#people love to be like ‘wow it’s very impressive how well you have your shit together’

[sayanything666]

i almost made myself cry about my old car again today and for being a person who infamously Does Not Cry or Feel Things (Anymore) that’s honestly even more embarrassing

[nathaslosthershit]

The Main Event (Multiple Pairings) Part 1

Can be read as a standalone but also (Part 8 in the Blind Items AU A/N: Its my nineteenth birthday 🥳 I wanted to write about adults being happy in different stages of their life because I am so scared of growing up and the thought of not being a teenager next year makes me nauseous. Enjoy! Each pairing has a Blind Items backstory which is linked at the start of their section (You don't have to read the backstory, though) Multiple (separate) Pairings: Logan Sargeant x Leclerc!reader, Oscar Piastri x reader, Charles Leclerc x reader, Lando Norris x reader, Lance Stroll x reader, Lewis Hamilton x reader, Alexander Albon x reader Summary: A wedding between Logan Sargeant and the youngest Leclerc child means a very interesting guest list, in which all previous victims of the F1 Blind Items account are included.

Oscar Piastri

“Dude, how come you are more nervous about my own wedding than I am?” Logan asked.

Oscar rolled his eyes and scoffed, pretending what the American was saying was ridiculous, as he nervously picked at his nails, trying to hide his trembling hands. Logan just laughed at his friend's failed attempt at nonchalance.

“It’s just- I’m nervous about the media inserting themselves in the events today. I mean I don’t want to have my toddlers in the spotlight any more than they already are.” Oscar explained. After being forced to reveal his kids to the world before he nor his fiancée were ready, and after just a few interviews and racing events the kids attended, Oscar didn’t want to give the media much more for the time being.

“Wow, way to make my wedding about you.” Logan teased, trying to relieve the utter look of anxiety and despair on Oscar’s face. But the Mclaren driver just shot him an unamused glare. “Look, I have told you time and time again if you don’t want them as flower girls- or kids, I’d gladly make my brother frolick down the aisle throwing petals. As much as I love my honorary niece and nephew, nothing would make me happier than making Dalton do that.”

This finally got a laugh out of Oscar. “They have been practicing too much to do that, we would be in for a shit storm if you tried to take away their time to shine.” It had been a big thing in the Piastri household for the past few months. Every second of every day, Frances and Hudson had been asking their parents questions about what weddings were like, how they should walk down the aisle, and if they had to see uncle Logan kiss his wife (they were not amused by the idea of having to see that). Not to mention the hundreds of times they forced their parents to watch how they would walk down the aisle, asking what they thought and ignoring any criticisms given to them (they saw no reason as to why they shouldn’t be allowed to dance and sing while throwing petals). 

“Then calm down. If all goes well there won’t be any media there, I mean I think we have done a pretty good job at making sure no one outside the event knows about it. Plus, no offense but there are plenty of people with far more interesting stories and scandals than your family. The tabloids are bored with y’all now that there isn’t anything new to expose.” Maybe a harsh way of putting it, but it was true, there were plenty of Formula 1 couples who had been exposed by the media for various reasons in attendance today. 

“Right. Got to say, Logan, the guestlist is impressive. I mean could you imagine telling your 13 year old self that the Lewis Hamilton would be attending your wedding?” Oscar asked. Even after a few years racing against the guy, the shock from being around him never wore off. He just had that ‘greatest of all time’ energy.

“I can’t even take the credit for much of it though. It's the bride who brought all the biggest names.” Logan rolled his eyes playfully. It was true though, his wife-to-be had made friends with all the biggest names in the world and they weren’t half assed friendships either. She could make even the tiniest of acquaintances feel like longtime companionships. She could make everyone feel so unbelievably loved and cherished in such a short time.

God he couldn’t wait to marry her. 

Oscar laughed at the lovesick grin on his friend’s face. Usually he’d tease him, but he decided maybe he should just cut the man some slack on his wedding day. 

But the urge was too great he couldn’t let Logan go unteased, before he could do so though-

“Dad! Dad! Dad! Look, me and Fran match!” Oscar’s son, Hudson, ran into the room, his sister following after him.

The two seemed to light up in their soft blue outfits.

“Don’t you two look awesome!” Logan said from behind the twins, making them turn around. “You guys look better than me on my own wedding day.”

The toddlers shouted in excitement as they ran to their favorite honorary uncle (much to Lando’s chagrin. He fought hard for that title).

“You two ready to be the stars of the show? Throwing petals ain’t easy work.” He said as he crouched down to hug the toddlers.

Oscar rolled his eyes. Leave it to Logan to make his own children completely uninterested in him. Fortunately, someone who was actually interested in him entered the room after them. His wonderful fiancée.

“You look gorgeous, honey.” Oscar said awestruck.

“You saw me in this earlier.” She deadpanned. 

“Let a man compliment his fincée, will you?” Holding her close to him, kissing her deeply. It was only when the two weren’t cut off with toddler “ewws” and “stop grossss” that they looked back at their children, currently in a… dance competition with the groom. “Glad to see how much they care for us.” Oscar sighed, feeling childish jealousy. 

“Let him entertain them, he’ll get some more practice for when he has his own kids.”

“He’s too young, honey. He is about to get married, he doesn't need to think about that right now.” Oscar scoffed, feeling offended for his children that Logan would ever dethrone his honorary niece and nephew from being his favorite kids.

“Says the man who had two kids by 18 and has been engaged twice, but not married, by 23.” Honey amused.

He blushed at the reminder that their relationship had been done a bit… backwards.

“They already have an officiant and audience, maybe we can just jump in with the bride and groom, two birds with one stone.”

“Nope! I already have two Piastri’s taking the spotlight today, I don’t need more.” Logan said while both twins climbed all over him.

Charles Leclerc (And the Leclerc Co.)

Normally, hard launching your child was not something a bride would encourage on her wedding day, but as the youngest Leclerc child, Charles’ sister loved the drama. Hence why her nephew was making his debut to the public as the ring bearer. Only a month old, the media hadn’t gotten to meet the cutie as he was born right at the start of winter break. It brought tears to his eyes, how insistent his baby sister was on having her nephew involved in her wedding. It was already an emotional day for Charles, who felt like he was losing his first baby as he walked her down the aisle and sent her off into her future, but he truly couldn’t be happier.

And doing it with his son by his side just made it all the more memorable. 

“Honey?” Charles’ girlfriend called as she popped her head into the room he was getting ready in. In her arms was their newborn who, while still so small, broke everyone’s heart at how big he was getting. “Oh, my love, are you seriously crying again?” she asked as he tried to inconspicuously wipe away his tears.

Being reminded that he had just been crying only made him start to cry more.

“Charlie, you are more emotional than I was while pregnant. What is going on with you today?”

“It is stupid, I’m sorry. It's just- it was yesterday my sister was in my arms, having just been born, and now she is getting married and the American is taking her away.”

If there was one thing the Leclerc brothers loved to do, it was make fun of their soon to be brother-in-law. They truly did love Logan, but it was so easy to pick on him and he was far too polite to try anything with them yet. If you asked them, they would say they are just treating him like the brother he is, but they also just really love how much it pissed their sister off, who will certainly be defending him. 

“Oh, sweetheart, she isn’t going anywhere. They are still going to live in Monaco, and you race with her husband almost every weekend. If anything now that they are married you will see more of her.” 

It was true. Even if the Leclerc brothers had a strict ban on dating drivers, they had to admit that their sister had found a good partner in Logan. A man who was driving alongside Charles, had been on the same team as Arthur in the past, and knew just how important and difficult the sport was on family. 

Giving her boyfriend a quick kiss on the cheek after wiping his tears from his face, Charles’ partner went on to try and fix the mess of hair that her lover was currently fighting. 

The Leclerc’s had terrible bed heads, something that unfortunately had already been seen in the first grandson, even at just a month old his hair was thick and unmanageable. 

Fortunately, Charles had calmed down enough that he was no longer a complete mess when his brothers entered the room. If Charles knew anything about his brother’s (and his sister) it was that such tears would have led to him being teased for the rest of his life about it. 

“Have you seen her?” Charles asked Enzo, hoping for any indication on how their sister was doing, having been too busy setting up for the wedding and taking care of his son to check on the bride thoroughly.

Arthur rolled his eyes, “When we tried to see her, Maman wouldn’t let us in.”

“Why? Is something wrong?” Charles’ girlfriend asked, the same level of concern in her voice displayed accross Charles’ face. 

“No, no, the bride said she wanted to have a little moment with the four of us before the wedding, so she didn’t want us to see anything before.” Enzo explained. He had understood her sentiment, Arthur… not so much.

Letting out a breath at the confirmation that nothing was wrong, Charles sat quietly while he got his hair tamed, his brothers playing with their nephew in the back.

It was a sight that almost brought tears to Pascale’s eyes, but she had already cried so much and she knew she needed to save the rest of her tears for the ceremony. Her three boys, all in different stages of their lives, all dressed up and ready to support their baby sister on her big day. 

There was a sense of love and excitement in the air, reminding her of when her daughter had first been born, her older brothers hardly able to sit still while they waited in anticipation. Though everyone was calm now, having gotten most of their childish impatience out of their system, those feelings hadn’t changed. 

“Someone wants to see you all.” She spoke up, getting the attention of her boys. Charles’ girlfriend pressed a kiss to his cheek and took their son from his uncles, wanting to give the Leclerc siblings a moment alone. 

“My goodness, you look stunning.” She said to the bride as she walked through the doorway before leaving. This made all the brother’s perk up, losing the rest of their patience as they waited to see their baby sister.

The second she stepped into the room and tears welled up in everyone’s eyes, the Leclercs knew it was going to be a long day full of bittersweet melancholy, but also one so full of love.

Lando Norris

“Have I told you how wonderful you looked?” Lando asked, grabbing his girlfriend’s hand as he ran his thumb over her knuckles.

She rolled her eyes, “Only a thousand times since we got in the car. Not to mention when I was getting ready, when I was trying on dresses, or when I was simply speaking to you about what I was thinking of wearing.” She teased.

He knew it was overkill, but he also knew how stressed she was. Not about the wedding, she was excited to attend and celebrate, but of the fact she knew she’d finally be identified as Lando Norris’s “unremarkable” girlfriend the tabloids have talked about for a while. 

The media knew he was dating not a model, or heir to a fortune, or an influencer, but a “simple” teacher, one who had a private instagram account with hardly 100 people on it. They had seen what pictures Lando posted of her, maybe a few posted by friends, but they never showed her face. They didn’t even know her name.

Even though their words were harsh, even though it hurt they thought she was undeserving of him when they didn’t know her, the anonymity at least came with the sentiment that all their judgements came from one simple fact, that she was a teacher. Now, they would have more to criticize, more to know, and she hated the thought.

Despite the public not knowing about her though, she had still been able to become good friends with many of Lando’s. Had been present for many arguments between Logan and Lando as they defended their individual titles of being “the best honorary uncle” to the Piastri twins and had been there to help watch the toddlers so Oscar’s fiancée could get a bit of a break during races. 

She loved so many of the people there, and she knew they all had her back. Because of this, she felt more ready to face the music. She shouldn’t be ashamed of who she was, she loved everything about her life, and she wouldn’t be made to feel bad for loving Lando. 

In the end, it was what the two of them thought and felt about their relationship that mattered. 

Lando smiled as he watched her take a deep breath, ready for what was to come. He’d move heaven and the earth for her, and he for sure wasn’t going to let some idiots online ruin something so good.

Lance Stroll

“You must have the worst heartburn, huh?” A mutual friend of a friend, Marie, asked.

“Oh, well actually-”

“Ugh it was so bad! And the indigestion, that really sucked. Oh! Reminds me of this one awful stretch of time when I was pregnant. I was actually also at a wedding…” Marie started on a tangent about some pregnancy horror story. One the currently pregnant woman she was talking to, didn’t appreciate hearing at the moment.

Lance looked over at his wife, stuck in conversation looking pained. Fearing that something was wrong with her or the baby, he quickly made his way over with an excuse to whisk her away.

“Are you alright?” He asked once out of earshot of Marie. 

His wife opened her mouth to answer, but was unable to when a choked sound made its way out first. The sound attracted the eyes of several wedding guests, who upon seeing that she was pregnant, turned back to their conversations, finding that as the excuse for such an outburst. While she was embarrassed when all eyes turned to her, the lack of interest in her wellbeing after seeing her belly just made her start to sob even more.

Knowing his wife was in distress and clearly the crowded room was adding to the discomfort, Lance led her to an unoccupied hallway. 

“Come on, hun. How can I make this better?” Sweetness, with a bit of helplessness, in his tone.

“You-you can’t!” She cried. God, how was she ever supposed to explain what the hell was happening with her. Especially when each second, she felt differently.

Maybe that was the problem. 

 “I’m- I am so tired of being the pregnant lady.” She managed to get out.

Lance frowned at the confession. “I know, love. I can’t imagine what it's like to be pregnant, and I wish I could help. I know it sucks, but you can get through-”

“Stop! That's the problem. Every single issue I have is written off as something that just happens with pregnancy. Like they are just side effects that can’t be helped! Like I just need to deal with them alone because “I signed up for this”. Maybe it sounds stupid or childish but I don’t give a fuck anymore, Lance. I don’t want to be treated like some pregnant lady, I don't want to be treated as if every single emotion I have is just because of hormones or because all women are just expected to suffer through this! Marie just came up to me and started talking about her own horror stories from when she was pregnant! I don’t want to hear that, not when she isn’t giving actual advice, just trying to laugh about things I, as the currently pregnant person, don’t find funny! I don’t want to talk about how I am so hungry and have people laugh and say ‘oh that's just what happens’. I want to get food! I want to be able to be upset without people losing interest the second they realize it's just the pregnant lady crying. I want the things I'm going through to be taken seriously, Lance.”

A beat of silence as he took in her words. 

As the silence stretched on though, she found herself with an apology forming on the tip of her tongue, feeling bad for yelling at her husband during her tangent when, even if he had contributed to the problem, he didn’t really do anything wrong. 

Just as she opened her mouth though, he got on his phone. 

She started to not feel as bad as she watched her husband seemingly ignore all she said.

“Are you-” She began, just to be cut off by him putting his phone in his pocket, and kissing her deeply.

Most of her anger seemed to disappear at that moment. He hadn’t kissed her like that in what felt like forever. Since she had told him she had been pregnant, he had been unsure of how to go about doing… well, anything. 

After a few passionately blissful seconds, he pulled away, still holding her face between his hands and stroking her cheek with his thumbs. “I ordered a car to take us to a crappy fast food place.”

She stammered, “What do- why?”

“You said you are hungry, the ceremony hasn’t even begun yet, we are going to be here for a while before we can eat and while I’m sure the bride and groom have an amazing set up, there isn’t a point in making you suffer any longer when we can fix it.” he explained.

She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to agree, but she also wanted to support their friends and knew she probably shouldn’t skip out on their wedding day. But she really needed something to eat and her feet were killing her already- 

“No, Lance, we shouldn’t it- it would be rude.” She answered.

Lance laughed at her attempt at trying to convince both herself and him. “As much as I’d love to stay, I’d much rather watch you eat a disgusting amount of fast food in an impressively short amount of time all the while dressed to the nines. Plus, we both know the bride and groom would be understanding.” He said as he grabbed her purse and opened the door for her. “After you, my love.” 

She sighed, realizing he was right. 

“Oh how gentlemanly of you,” she teased in a posh accent. “Is it often you whisk away distressed damsels to fast food restaurants?” 

“Only the gorgeous ones. I did earn my nickname of Sir Lancelot from my wife for a reason.” He teased back.

“It seems you have.” She replied with a kiss on the cheek.

Lewis Hamilton

“Oh, sweet pea. You look stunning!” Lewis said as he facetimed his daughter, currently at home with her mom.

The young girl giggled at the compliment, asking her dad about the wedding. She had been more than curious about weddings lately after hearing that her dad was attending one. 

“-and the bride wears a beautiful white dress”

“Like the one mommy is wearing?” she asked her dad, pointing to the oversized t-shirt her mom was wearing with paint stains on it from when she and her partner had painted the nursery for the 1 year old currently asleep in said room. Lewis laughed at the image.

“While I am sure your mommy could wear that and still be the most beautiful girl in the world. A wedding dress is a little… different.” Lewis answered.

“Mommy! Can I see your wedding dress?” her daughter asked.

Both parents froze at the question, realizing they might have not told their child a pretty important detail about her parents. 

“Oh- honey. Daddy and I never got married.” She answered. Her daughter looked back at the phone, at her dad, confused.

“Dad? Why didn’t you marry mommy? Don’t you love her?” 

Harsh. Lewis didn’t know how to answer such a question, but he eventually found the words. 

“Sweetheart, you know I love your mom very much. You are all my most favorite girls. Some people just don’t get married, they don’t feel the need to.” He answered. It wasn’t that the two of them didn’t want to, they had planned on it. But their first daughter had been unplanned, then their second had been too, and eventually, as they became everything to one another, they didn’t have a wedding so high on their priority list, knowing the proof of their love was evident in the two girls they were raising, in the life they had built together despite many unwanted opinions trying to ruin it. 

“Let me talk to your dad sweetie. Can you grab my water from the living room?” His girlfriend asked as her daughter handed her the phone and jumped off the bed.

After the sound of the young girl’s footsteps softened in the background, she spoke up, “Sorry about that, Lew, she saw a photo of some celebrity wedding today and her interest in the topic was reignited.”

“She is a curious kid, I get it. She is a smart one too, she gets it from her mother.” He watched his girlfriend blush at the compliment. Even while tired having to take care of the two young children alone, she seemed to be glowing. “We never did get around to marriage, did we?” 

She sighed, “I guess we got too busy. I hadn’t even thought about it in a while- not that I don’t want to marry you still!”

He laughed at her realization she may have chosen her words wrong, “No, I haven’t either. Two kids is a lot, and we both know how we feel about each other. But I will always be ready to marry you, the second you say so.”

“Well, I’ll always be ready to marry you, after you properly propose. You already got two kids out of me, I at least deserve a big flashy ring.” She teased.

“And you shall have it my love.” Lewis suddenly heard his daughter coming back. He spoke up when he saw her pop back up on screen, “What do you think, love bug? Should mommy and daddy get married? I think your mom would look beautiful in a big white dress, right?”

The little girl perked up at that, “Yes! But, will it be hard for mommy to wear a dress with the baby in her tummy?” She asked, pointing to her mom’s stomach.

Both adults froze. 

Slowly, Lewis’ girlfriend let out a deep sigh. “Baby, I told you not to talk about that with daddy till we could tell him…”

If his eyes opened any wider, they would have popped out of his head. “She’s serious? We are having another baby?”

“Surprise? I wanted to keep it a secret till you came back and make it all special but she was so sad when you left I told her to cheer her up.”

Lewis’ heart softened at the thought, “Well, I guess a wedding might have to be postponed for the time being” He amused.

They’d get around to it, maybe after this next kid, maybe after the next few.

Alexander Albon

Things had been… awkward for Alex and his girlfriend the past few days. After what started off as an innocent inquiry from a friend about the couple's plans for marriage in conjunction with Alex’s attending the wedding of his teammate, it seemed like there were some conversations the two needed to be having.

They had been together for years, longer than the current bride and groom had known each other. Longer than a lot of couples either engaged, married, or with kids had been dating. 

But there was still no ring.

It hadn’t been a problem before. They had talked about getting married, casually talked and joked about “when they had kids”. But those topics hadn’t been seriously considered for a while now. Like a hangnail that hurt every time it brushed against something, even though it would be so much better to just rip it off quickly and let it heal, neither Alex nor his girlfriend seemed to be able to broach the subject. 

They sat silently in the car, driving to the venue, painfully aware of what the other was thinking about. 

Did Alex not want to marry her? After so many years, maybe he just has never seen marriage as something he needed, plenty of couples decide not to get married. But wouldn’t he tell her if he didn’t want to ever be married, instead of letting her wait and wait and wait? Especially when he knew she wanted to get married- did he even know she wanted to get married? Did she even know if she wanted to get married? They lived together, their lives intertwined with one another, maybe they could just have a civil partnership. But that didn’t sound right in her mind. What if-

Her spiralling was interrupted when Alex turned on the radio, at full volume. Both wincing at the noise, he turned it down a little, letting the song fill the crisis filled air between the two. 

It helped a little, at least they could pretend they were both listening to the music instead of what they were actually doing, questioning their relationship. 

As the song ended, a radio talk show came on, one about elderly folks giving life advice. “Aw I love this, it always has sweet stories.” Alex said, trying to break the tension. 

“Here we have Violet with us! Now everyone, Violet got married for the first time about a year ago to her longtime partner, Vance. Both were 83 years old and had put it off for a long time, thinking they had been too old, but following a terminal diagnosis Vance was given, the two decided to go for it. Now a year later, Violet is here with her update. Violet, how are you doing today?” The host asked. The couple in the car stiffened, of course this is the topic. 

“I am doing well, thank you. Today is a special day, it would have been Vance’s 84th birthday, and I can say that while it is hard not to be with him, I have all my love for him and the love I knew he had for me to keep me going.”

“I am sorry to hear about his passing, Violet.” The host somberly said.

“Oh that is alright, I actually arranged to call back in because I recently received our wedding pictures, and looking at them reminded me I wanted to update the good folks that listen. While we knew Vance would pass soon after the wedding, I am so happy to have these photos to keep with me now that he is gone. We had written off marriage because we had both been ‘too old’ in our opinions. Neither of us had gotten married to our past partners before, so we didn’t feel the need now. While I don’t believe marriage is best for everyone, some folks just don’t need it, I can say for certain that being surrounded with family and loved ones as Vance and I celebrated our love, especially when we knew death would soon part us, I believe it was the greatest decision of my life. Vance knew I would be with him no matter how long he gave me, and that I would take on the grief if it meant I knew I truly loved and was loved. I really believed that comforted him in the end, and that alone comforts me. We were only married for about three months before he passed, but he will remain my husband till I eventually join him. And I couldn’t be happier for that.” Violet said, a mix of emotions filling her voice.

She turned off the radio before they could hear any more. 

Silence again filled the car- well apart from Alex’s sniffles. 

She turned to her boyfriend, who was driving while trying to wipe his tears without her seeing he was crying.

“Are- Alex are you okay?” she asked, concerned. 

“Yeah, no it's- yeah I'm good.” He unconvincingly replied. Suddenly, he slammed on the breaks, almost missing a stop sign, distracted by his tears. “Shit- I’m sorry I didn’t see-” 

She couldn't make out his words over the sobs. Fortunitally, he had enough of a sound mind to pull over before he could danger them more. 

Alex turned to his girlfriend abruptly, “I want to marry you. I want to marry you so badly and I know marriage has always been jokingly discussed between us, but I need to know you also want to marry me. I don’t want to wait till we are 83 and I am dying. I don’t want to wait another year, to be honest. So please just tell me if you aren’t-” She cut him off with a kiss, her own tears mixing with his. “Are you proposing?” She half-joke- half-sobbed. 

“Yes, fuck yes I am.” Instead of answering him, she just kissed him, again, just as passionately as the first. 

“We can’t tell Logan we got engaged the day of his wedding.”

Logan Sargeant

Bridesmaids on one side, Groomsmen on the other, the officiant and Logan in the middle.

Logan had memorized the order in which everything would go. He stood anxiously in front of a crowd of people, full of friends and family, as well as some of his idols since he was a child. People he still felt had no reason to even know his name, much less attend his wedding. 

Next came the Piastri twins with petals in their baskets. They took a few confident steps till they realized just how many people were looking at them. Then in an instant, the weeks of preparation for their big moment went out the window as they both stood there, frowns on their faces. Logan’s heart broke a little at how shy they had suddenly gotten.

Maybe he really should have had Dalton take their place. 

After a few moments the twins still didn’t move. Logan was about to make his way down the aisle to them, but his brother-in-law-to-be, Charles, stepped through the entrance to get to them, holding his newborn, who was acting as the ring-bearer despite being a month old and currently asleep. Charles crouched down between the two toddlers, whispering something no one else but the two of them heard, causing shocked but excited looks to replace the shy pouts. 

The toddlers each stood on the side of Charles and his sleeping child, throwing petals with renewed excitement. By the time they reached the end, Logan crouched down to give them each a hug, getting a kiss on the cheek and ‘good luck, Lo Lo’. Charles passed the rings to Dalton, the best man, and answered Logan’s questioning look with a quick explanation, “I told them my son was very nervous about walking down the aisle and I hoped they would walk with him. I also said you’d give them candy after.” 

Logan rolled his eyes, happy Charles had looked out for his honorary niece and nephew, but annoyed he now had to find candy for the toddlers unless he wanted a tantrum to end all tantrums at his reception dinner. 

The second the bride stepped down the aisle, her mom by her side, Logan forgot what he was worried about before. Suddenly, seeing his fiancé in her dress, glowing in a way that could only be explained by magic, Logan knew nothing in his life had ever felt so right. 

He had to stop himself from kissing her as she stood in front of him, only half listening to the officiant. He didn’t care about all the famous people in the crowd, didn’t care about how miserable he was at Williams, didn’t care about all the shit he got from fans, didn’t care about anything but the woman who was in front of him. 

In a flash, vows were exchanged, ‘I do’s were said, and he was kissing his wife and then running down the aisle. 

Everything was so good.

[kazz-brekker]

hotd episode thoughts

listen, as someone who enjoys some good dragon drama, i feel fantastically well catered-to by this episode

the confrontation between rhaenyra and addam was fun, i liked that it's apparently kind of inspired by western face-offs but with dragons instead of guns

that conversation between larys and ironrod while they were watching aemond sentence men to the watch definitely implied to me that, unlike with his brother, the council is so wary of/intimidated by aemond they don't even want to talk to him about possibly important war developments. which does not bode well for team green's stability in the future, tbh

jace stop being mean about mysaria that's your mom's girlfriend you're talking about :(

i did find the conversation between rhaenyra and jace really interesting, i hadn't considered that the sowing of the seeds plan might bring out so much of his insecurities about being a bastard. he and rhaenyra have probably the most functional parent-child relationship in the show, but they really DON'T talk about this aspect of his life at all, and it really shows

oscar tully unexpected mvp of the episode perhaps? holding his own against that whole council of river lords…calling daemon loathsome…making him execute willem blackwood to atone for spurring on those war crimes…king shit!

i enjoyed getting to see viserys again, i've really missed his actor this season and seeing daemon's reaction to his ruined face was quite interesting

daemon you are SO close to realizing that you don't actually want to be king and would make a terrible ruler, i'm rooting for you to figure this out by the season finale

the scene with aegon and larys talking was probably my favorite from last week so i really liked that we got a follow-up on it. very impressed that aegon is capable of walking even the tiniest amount after what he's been through

rhaena running off into the mountains…she's getting that dragon by hook or by crook

ulf trying to get out of claiming a dragon by claiming he had an injury made me laugh

i like that hugh and ulf have totally different reactions to being possible dragonseeds, one boasting and the other hiding it

alicent was serving real ophelia by john william waterhouse vibes this episode

loved that the dragonkeepers had a huge fight with rhaenyra over the sowing of the seeds, they're in the background of so many dragon scenes but we've never gotten much perspective on what they think of dragons or the targaryen right to claim them before

i do admit to saying "wow, those are some toasty boys" out loud when vermithor was torching those poor dragonseeds

love love LOVE that we got to see both vermithor and silverwing this episode, they look so cool and i love their distinct designs

i have been waiting ALL SEASON for the payoff of hugh and ulf claiming those dragons and it was such an exciting sequence, you could really feel the adrenaline and the danger the whole time

ryan condal on the inside the episodes comparing the death of the dragonseeds to ritual sacrifice was also super fun symbolism

another daeron mention, hi daeron and tessarion :)

also house beesbury making problems for the hightowers, love to see it

after aemond has spent so much time this season intimidating and terrifying other people it WAS super fun to see him do a hard swerve into fear when he saw how many dragonriders rhaenyra has now

that final shot of rhaenyra standing on the dragonmount with syrax, vermithor, and silverwing behind her DID get to, i must say. it's house of the dragon! and we have the dragons!!!

okay yeah i am super hyped for the finale and whatever it may bring, seems like it's gonna be epic. the triarchy! the dragons! the riverlands! helaena in the war effort, apparently?! what fun!

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Been an awful good girl

Warnings: non/dubcon, cheating, and other dark elements. Not all kinks or triggers are tagged. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Summary: Your roommate brings you along to a holiday gathering without much cheer.

Character: Steve Kemp

Day Sixteen of the December Daze Challenge.

Prompt - I'm your present.

Note: As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging.

“I don’t know about this. I don’t really know them as well as you,” you say as Lindy's thumb flicks on the steering wheel to hit the ‘next track’ button. 

“How so? We hang out all the time,” she snorts. 

“No, you hang out with them all the time. I’m just... a hanger on.” 

“Bull shit. Everyone loves you. Besides, what were young going to do? Sit home alone and mope.” 

“Yes,” you huff. “I really appreciate you inviting me but it seems very... intimate.” 

“Boo,” she rolls her eyes as she follows the subtle curve of the country road. “Really, it’s no big deal. Steve’s place is huge. Really, I told you to come in the summer.” 

“Some of us work.” 

“I work. Sometimes,” she giggles. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean...” 

“Oh, I know exactly how spoiled I am. Don't worry. It’ll be fine. Everyone’s going to be drinking anyway.” She sighs, “honestly, would you really rather be going home to face your stuffy family? Definitely not me.” 

“Yeah, you’re right,” you drone. “I don’t know. I was kind of looking forward to a Christmas alone.” 

“Pfft,” she blows a raspberry. “Well it’s too bad, because I know who drew you in the gift swap and it wouldn’t be very courteous to ghost.” 

“I’m here,” you whine. 

“Because you’re a good girl,” she sticks her tongue out as she peeks over at you. “You ever think that people like having you around because of that? You’re the perfect contrast to me. The Mufasa to my Scar, the Woody to my Buzz, the uh... Gandalf to my Saruman.” 

“Wow, a Tolkien reference, I’m impressed,” you snicker. 

“You remember that guy, Jensen. Aside from crying when he cums, he loves that shit,” she scoffs. “It was endearing but the tears weren’t.” 

“Ew, wow, uh, thanks for that information.” 

“Anytime, sweetie,” she trills. 

She drives on, into the dark sentinels and grim back roads. As the evening falls, the silver moon shines through the branches and needles. Despite the beaming saucer, the sky hangs like a dark sheet of satin. 

There are lights ahead. Windows aglow with life within. Other vehicles litter the large lot. You must be the last ones to get there. You’re not surprised. Lindy is always late. 

She parks without much concern for the other vehicles. You’re patient as she takes her time getting out. You don’t want to take the lead on this one. You follow her to the trunk to grab your bag and she takes hers, nearly shutting the lid on you. 

You head towards the cabin. You nearly trip up the steps as the only lights are those inside and the sole bulb beside the door. As you clatter up, you hear a strange creak. You wince and look over at the shadow that stands from the porch swing, the back knocking against the house siding. 

“Hey, was starting to think you weren’t coming,” Steve says as he steps into the yellow sheen of the porch light. The creases and angles of his face swallow the shadows perfectly.  

“Huh, oh, hey,” Lindy has one hand on the door. “Whatcha doin’ out here? Waiting for us?” 

“Sure,” he chuckles, “was getting a bit warm inside. Plus, Ransom’s been into the tequila.” 

“That sounds fun,” she giggles. 

“Maybe for you,” Steve sniffs.  

“Oh Steve, once I get some in me, I can be a whole lotta fun two,” she purrs. “And once I’m not standing out in the cold.” 

“Door’s open,” he says. “Hey, good to see you.” 

You meet his eyes, you think. His face is mostly hidden. You try to smile but it feels more like a grimace. “You too.” 

“You bring something for the gift swap?” 

“Course we did!” Lindy tosses over her should as she pushes down the lever of the door handle. 

“Uh, yeah,” you pat the strap of your bag. 

“Here, let me get those,” he offers. He grabs your napsack by the handle on top then slips between you and Lindy to take her D&G bag. “I’ll put them in your rooms. If you make it to yours, Lin.” 

“And we’ll see if you make it back to yours,” she snipes back. “Come on, sweetie,” she grabs your hand, “let’s go bug the others.” 

“Um, thanks, Steve,” you say. "Um, one second.” You reach for the zipper on your bag and undo it. You take out the paper gift bag then tug the tab back. “Thanks.” 

He smiles as he hooks your bag over his shoulder. He wears a deep blue sweater, his usual look, and his hair is floppy around his chiseled square face. You wonder about Lindy’s joke. Steve’s married to Ann, isn’t he? 

You Lindy her drag you away after you hang your coat. The rabble of voices beckons you into the front room where a fire crackles in the large fireplace. A table is draped in plaid and bowls and platters line the top. Ann is there, scooping sauce with a spoon onto a small saucer with crackers and cheese. 

“There they are,” she beams. “Girls. We’re finally balanced.” 

You tilt your head and look around. There’s three men in the room; Ransom, Charles, and Andrew. Four if you count Steve, and there’s one other woman besides Ann; Juliette. That would make four men and four women. Not that it really matters. 

“Don’t forget to put your gifts beneath the tree,” she points to the artificial fir. 

You put your bag underneath with the wrapped gifts and Lindy follows. She searches her pockets and pulls out a plastic gift card. Whoever she got will be drinking a lot of specialty coffees. She tosses it on the biggest box there. 

“Come, have some cider!” Juliet insists, “we added whiskey.” 

“Don’t get too wild, girls,” Andrew intones. 

It’s a bit awkward to refer to thirtysomethings as girls but you don’t pay it much mind. He doesn’t seem like he’s in a great mood. You wonder if it has anything to do with his wife Lori, being absent. 

Juliet hands you a crystal mug of cider. You sip it tentatively but Lindy eagerly guzzles it down. She leaves you without a word as she heads over to Ransom. He sits in a chair with a bottle of Tito’s in one hand and a cup of soda in the other. 

You peer around awkwardly and sway. Great. It’s not that you don’t get along with these people, you just find it hard to relate. Now that you’re here, that big question rings in your head. Why did you come? You’ve known these people as long as Lindy and yet, they are her friends, not yours. Still, you can’t name a single thing they’ve done that could justify you hating any of them. They more so inspire indifference, if not dejection. 

“You still working at the college?” Andrew startles you as he approaches with his short tumbler of dark liquor. You didn’t think he drank. He was always telling Lori to slow down. 

“Um, yeah,” you turn to him and run a finger nervously behind your ear. “How’s the, uh, attorney-ing going?” 

He shrugs, “thinking of starting a private practice. Maybe. Might have to relocate...” 

“Oh, that sounds like a big change.” 

“Lots of those,” he grumbles. You have a feeling you shouldn’t ask about his wife. 

“Yeah, I’ve been looking for a new gig. College is nice but a bit stagnant.” 

“Oh yeah? I could use an exec assistant if I do go to a firm,” he says. 

“Wow, really, uh, well, I guess that would be a big if,” you push your shoulders up. 

“Andy,” Steve appears, “don’t tell me you’re bringing her down with your sad sack schtick. We’ve all had enough.” 

“No, I was actually offering her a job. Possibly. What do you want? To annoy us with your slimy schtick? Go bug your wife.” 

“Woah, buddy, nothing meant by it. Just a joke. Thought maybe I could cheer you up. But I see why you went with this one,” Steve gestures to you. “She’s a sweetheart.” 

“Uh, oh, thanks,” you mutter into your cup. “Um, you know, we drove quite a ways. Could I use the bathroom?” 

“Sure thing,” Steve puts his hand on your shoulder and points back to the doorway, “down that hallway and to the right. Let me know if you get lost.” 

“Thanks, er, I’ll be back,” you sidle away and set your cup down on the table. You flee without looking back. You still can’t think of a good reason why you came. Not aside from the favour to Lindy. Sometimes, you think even she finds them too much. 

🎀

“I think all the gifts are under the tree so everyone can grab theirs whenever. You have to guess who got you by breakfast tomorrow!” Ann declares. 

The din doesn’t break. There are nods in her direction but most are unconcerned. Of course. You feel a bit dumb for spending so much time trying to find something for Ransom. He isn’t easy to buy for with his expensive tastes. He’s not even in the room... nor is Lindy. 

You don’t really care about yours. You really just want to go to bed. You wait and watch. No one else goes toward the tree. Sigh. You don’t want to seem like a vulture waiting to take your share of the carrion. 

After a while, Ann wanders over. She bends and moves around some of the presents. She picks up the gift card with sharpie on it. She rolls her eyes. She has that drunken wobble in her head as she stands and curls her lip at the gift. You feel bad for her. Lindy really didn’t try very hard. You even think she regifted that. 

Charles and Juliet go together. Both have more substantive prizes. They chatter as they return to the sofa. You get up and glance around. Everyone seems distracted; by each other or by their phones. You tiptoe over.  

You read each tag. You count the presents and tally up only seven total, including those already taken. You crane back and forth as you try to see if there’s a stray one around the back. You nod and back away, trying not to show your disappointment. 

You’re not surprised. You don’t know that whoever got you forgot so much as they didn’t both. You told Lindy, you’re the odd one out. You’re only invited because you’re roommates. To be honest, it’s mostly because she’s clingy. 

You yawn and check the time. You don’t care about a gift. You peek around. Steve is standing at the window, staring out at the moon. The eerie light gives his features an odd glow. 

You approach him, “uh, hey, can you show me what room is mine? I’m pretty beat.” 

He sets his glass on the window ledge and turns to you with a grin, “gladly.” 

He leads you away from the window, the darkness solid and thick. You walk out of the front room and he takes you around the staircase. 

“I hope you don’t mind. I gave you the room down here. The rest are upstairs...” he explains. 

“It’s fine. I appreciate you thinking of me.” 

“Oh yeah? Why’s that? You don’t think people do?” 

“No, I didn’t mean—I just... It was nice of you to invite me.” 

“Of course. You’re a nice girl. Lindy isn’t,” he chuckles, “you even her out.” 

“She’s not that bad,” you argue unconvincingly. 

“Sure. She can be... sweet when she wants something.” 

“Hm,” you hum. 

He stops outside a door and taps on it, “this is you.” He turns to face you, “I know what you’re thinking. Why are we friends if we don’t like each other? Sometimes, you just can’t get rid of people.” 

You nod awkwardly. You don’t want to be involved. You never really thought they hated each other, you just thought that was normal for them. That they were all a little bit abrasive. 

“So, the gift swap. You got Ransom, I see.” 

“How...” 

“I shouldn’t have been a snoop but I did see the tag when you took the bag out,” he smirks. “Oops.” 

“Uh, yeah, well, I don’t even think he’ll like it. It’s just socks. The only thing I could afford from the designer.” 

“Like he’d know the difference between a knock-off and the real thing. He’s new money,” he turns the knob and pushes the door open. “Bag’s on the bed for you.” 

“Thanks. Again,” you step past him as he flips on the light. “This is a really nice cabin. Must be nice in the summer.” 

“Maybe you’ll see next year,” he says. “So what about you? What do you think of your gift?” 

“Ummm,” you draw out as you shuffle into the room, “I...” 

The door clicks and you turn to face him. He’s just inside, standing in front of it, in almost a sinister way. Filling the frame so you couldn’t get past him if you tried. 

“Well,” he puts his hands on his hips. 

“What?” You blink. 

“Your present. I'm your present,” he tilts his head, “Merry Christmas.” 

“But... Ann?” You utter. 

“Ann what? You think she cares? She might if she wasn’t on her phone sexting the anesthesiologist from my office. Wonder if he puts her under before they... you know?” 

You shake your head, “oh, I’m sorry--” 

“Look, I don’t wanna worry about all that. I’m your secret santa,” he opens his arms as he comes closer, “guess I shoulda put a bow on me.” 

“I... Steve, I’m not... I’m sorry but I can’t--” 

He stops before you and presses his finger to your lips, hushing you. 

“It’s not polite to turn away a gift someone put a lot of thought into. You’re a good girl, aren’t you?” He drawls. You squeak as he drags his fingertips down and turns his hand to cradle your chin. “Plus, if Ann was so concerned and she came in to find you seducing her husband, well, I’m not sure she’d let you stay.” 

“Steve,” your eyes tinge hotly. “Why?” 

“Why what?” He bites his lip and hooks his arm around you, bringing you flush against him. “I’m giving you exactly what you need, honey.” 

[gravehags]

desinare

Pairing: Cardinal Copia x f!Reader (Curator!Reader)

Rating: Teen

Tags: awwww look it's a pre-relationship fic just like old times, dinner party, reader meeting the papas, reader and copia being awkward little weirdos with baby crushes, papa nihil slander, references to other curator reader fics

Words: 3,784

Summary: Your very kind cardinal friend has invited you for a meal with three Satanic popes. Surely there's a proverb about this.

a/n: i had so so so much fun writing this lmao i didn't realize how much i missed writing them pre-relationship. my beloved nerds.

~~~

“Eh, signorina?”

“Fuck!” you yelp, dropping the stack of folders you were holding in shock. “Shit…sorry Cardinal. How do you move so quietly with all that fabric on?”

“M-many years of practice, heh,” he kicks himself for how stupid he sounds, wringing his hands while you smile kindly up at him as you stoop to pick up your papers.

“Teach me how some time? I’m always falling over myself. I’d love to have even an ounce of your grace.”

He can feel his ears burn as a dopey grin spreads across his face. She complimented you. Now compliment her back. Go on, say something charming, idiota.

“Dancing!” he half-shouts, making you jump. You fucking fool. “I…I mean I learned how…how to be graceful from dancing. Ballet. In my youth.”

You’re making an impressed face now which is worlds better from the look of terror you previously wore when he barked at you like a senile chihuahua.

“The Cardinal is a dancer?” you murmur, eyes glittering, “You’ll have to show me sometime.”

“Oh, it’s been years,” he blushes, “this old body doesn’t move the way it used to.”

He swears he sees your eyes flick up and down his form and a tiny smirk lift your lips.

“I don’t buy that for a second, Cardinal.”

Are you flirting with him? You turn to busy herself with organizing your folders but Copia can see the pink tinge at the tips of your ears.

“Do you like bolognese?” he says, once again loud and blunt. 

“I…what?”

“My…my fratelli and I - the Papas that is - would very much like to meet you. A-and share a meal with you. If you are interested?”

Your mouth forms a little “o”.

“There’s more than one Papa?” you ask, cocking your head. 

“Sì, sì, there is also eh, Papa Emeritus I and Papa Emeritus II, known as Primo and Secondo, respectively. Terzo you already know,” he grumbles, and your lips twitch.

“Three Satanic popes and a Cardinal. Wow…life sure comes at you fast, huh? Never expected this from a job offer.”

“So…is that a yes?”

“No,” you say and Copia’s face falls, “I mean - shit - sorry! A no about the bolognese. I don’t eat red meat. But a definite yes for the dinner, I’d love to meet some more people here! You’re very kind to have invited me.”

“Ah,” he waves his hand dismissively, but a smile still curls his lips, “We don’t get pretty new faces around here very often. It would be our pleasure.”

It doesn’t dawn on him what he said until he sees your lips silently form the damning word and your cheeks light up. Shit, why couldn’t he be normal around you?

“Anyway,” he says, his voice going up a humiliating octave, “would you be available this week? Friday evening, perhaps?”

“It’s a date. I mean–” you look as panicked as he feels at your wording, “--a dinner date. W-with your…with the Papas. And yourself. Sorry, where should I meet you? I’m uh, still familiarizing myself with the abbey. This place is huge.”

“Eh, how about I meet you at your office and I’ll lead the way from there, sì?”

“Sì. I mean, yes. Is there a…should I dress a certain way?”

An image is conjured in his mind of you in a pretty cocktail dress, heels lifting your shapely calves and your decolletage on display—

He shakes his head to rid himself of the vision.

“Uh…dress in whatever is most comfortable. Undoubtedly Secondo will put you to work in the kitchen so–”

“Oh good,” you say, “I mean my culinary talents are uh…definitely lacking but I’d be happy to help and keep busy. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop, and all that. Well…something like that anyway, I’m not sure if there’s a Satanic version. Anyway I am definitely blabbering on so feel free to ignore…literally everything that just came out of my mouth.”

You’re embarrassed. As if he couldn’t listen to you talk and talk and talk for eternity. He’s about to tell you something to that effect before his brain yanks him away. Bit much for only knowing her a month, fool. Instead he gives you a friendly nod, and bows slightly.

“I’ll eh, see you Friday then yes? At 6:00?”

“Sounds perfect. And…thank you. I don’t remember if I said it or not but thank you for making this place feel like home.”

He feels as if his heart is about to burst from his ribcage.

“Signorina,” he murmurs, “it is my honor. Ciao.”

“Ciao, Cardinal,” you say softly as he turns and exits your office. He doesn’t see the way you collapse into your desk chair with a dreamy sigh.

—

You’re going to be late.

As soon as your work day ended you hustled up to your apartment and began getting ready but it’s now 5:41 and you still have no idea what the fuck you’re going to wear. Half your wardrobe lies scattered on your bedroom floor (you know it’s going to make you insane when you return later that night but fuck you can’t remember what clothes you even own) as you stand in the center of the room in your underwear.

“Okay. Okay you’re going to meet three Satanic popes,” the sentence has a delirious laugh bubbling out of your throat. “Three Satanic popes and one…sweet…handsome…Cardinal. What is the correct choice.”

You eye a snug, knee length burgundy velvet cocktail dress to your left. You’ve been saving this one for a while - for a real special occasion. You would undoubtedly impress but…nah. Too much. To your right is a pair of mom jeans - you pick them up and give them a tentative sniff - acceptably clean. You toss the jeans onto your bed behind you. Okay now for a top. How about…ah! You spy a soft, dark green sweater in a pile and snatch it up. Cozy, comfortable, and practical. Perfect. As for shoes…your well-loved black Chelsea boots should do the trick. You look down at your watch.

5:48

Shit! Almost tripping more than once you jump into your jeans and pull the sweater over your head, tucking it halfway into your waistband. You don’t have the time or the patience to put any makeup on beyond a few swipes of mascara and a dark red lipstick and when you make it out the door with your phone and keys, it’s five to six. You briskly power walk the entire trip to your office and by the time you’re standing outside the door, you’re clutching your side and heaving for breath. You pray to whoever is listening that the Cardinal is a little late so you have a chance to compose yourself but before you can even form the thought–

“Signorina?”

You spin on the spot, trying to look as casual as possible.

“Cardinal!” you rasp. “Uh…hi.”

“You look lovely,” he says with an anxious little smile that gives you butterflies, “you’re glowing, signorina.”

“Thanks, it’s the sweat.”

You ought to be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller.

To your immense relief, he doesn’t look disgusted but instead seems to relax as if your odd faux-pas cuts the tension. Chortling, he gestures for you to follow him with a gloved hand.

“What’s for dinner?” you ask, as the two of you proceed down the hall.

“You’ll have to ask Secondo that, I have no idea what the maestro has planned for us this evening.”

“Sounds ominous,” you smile.

“Eh, sì. He is.”

Oh God.

“Your week has gone well?” Copia asks, adeptly changing the subject.

“Yes, just you know. Trying to make sense of everything von Schreck left me with. Can’t help but feel his presence looming over me whenever I change something he did. Did you know him well?”

“Not well, no. He was a quiet man, kept to himself. His eh, mind started to go, in the end. Became paranoid.”

“Ah. Explains his cataloging system then. If you can call it that.”

You realize you’re now in a wing of the abbey you’ve never seen before - a long hallway with a dark red rug running the length of it and arched doors. Copia stops at one that is open and gestures inside with a nervous smile.

It’s a kitchen. A very large, very well equipped kitchen with a massive island and high ceilings. There are three men standing inside it - you recognize one of them and the other two are staring in your direction. The tallest (and from what you can tell, the oldest) has a soft smile on his face. The other is also tall but broad where the older figure was slim, the overhead light glinting off his bald head. Terzo hops down off the counter, swirling a glass of wine and grinning. You’re suddenly aware of four pairs of the same mismatched eyes boring into you.

“Uh. Hi.”

The three Papas are on you like flies on honey in a snap, pulling you into the warmth of the kitchen while Copia removes his black biretta and wrings his gloved hands. With a shaky voice he introduces you to the two you are unfamiliar with and to Terzo he simply gives a hard stare.

“It’s an honor to meet all of you,” you murmur, smiling around the room, “Wow, three Satanic popes. I haven’t even met one uh…regular pope. Not to say you aren’t ‘regular’ or ‘normal’, of course. The Satanic versions are so much more interesting.”

There’s a pregnant pause.

“Do you drink?” the bald, mustachioed one - Secondo - asks.

“Please,” you sigh in relief. He gestures you over to the counter.

“What do you know about Italian wines, piccolina?”

Piccolina? You remind yourself to look that up whenever you manage to take a bathroom break.

“Uh, not much. That is to say…nothing.”

He smirks. You know immediately this man is a heartbreaker.

“I will teach you. This riserva is from the Ministry’s vineyards in Piedmont. Made from Nebbiolo grapes.” He pours you a generous glass which you swirl delicately in your hand before leaning in to sniff.

“Oh! I’m definitely getting…red fruits, perhaps cherries? Something mineral, like the way a damp cave smells. Hold on–”

You take a sip as Secondo watches you carefully.

“Wow that’s gorgeous,” you gush, “I didn’t smell the rose element but I definitely taste it. You said the Ministry made this?”

“Sì,” he nods, as he pours more into your glass, “I’m pleased you like it, you have excellent taste.”

“Oh, I really don’t,” you smile, “you’d cringe if I told you some of the swill I find acceptable. Particularly what I drank in college.”

He laughs loudly.

“What kind of self-respecting American college student drinks wine?”

“One from California, that’s what,” you smirk.

“Secondo stop hogging our guest,” Terzo calls from the other side of the room. “I want to see her pretty face.”

Secondo ushers you over to the small breakfast table where Copia sits with the other two Papas before leaving to fetch several wine glasses.

“Don’t you look bellissima tonight,” Terzo grins, and you blush as he gives you a very obvious once-over. That smile disappears though when he jerks violently, slamming his knee up under the table.

“Stronzino, that hurt,” he hisses at Copia, who has carefully schooled his face into a neutral expression. 

Huh. Wonder what that was all about.

You’re distracted by Primo softly saying your name and you turn to the older man with a smile.

“Are you enjoying life at the abbey so far?”

Ah. Well about that. You want to lie - to tell him everything has been smooth sailing but something about the way he looks at you instantly makes you want to be more candid.

“It’s um. It’s been…a lot,” you say, looking down into your wine glass, “The Cardinal is really the only one who speaks to me outside of Sister Imperator. I-I haven’t got out of my apartment much except to go to work. I’m a little self-conscious about exploring, to be honest.”

Primo gives you a gentle smile.

“Do you know where the greenhouses are, fiore mio?”

Fiore mio. Another one for the list.

“I think I know where the gardens are but I’m not sure if they’re nearby–”

“They are.” he says, “Sister Imperator…doesn’t have much use for an old relic like me. I spend my time tending to all that grows here. With some assistance from my ghouls.”

“Ghouls?” you ask, cocking your head.

He smiles.

“Ah, you haven’t met any yet, have you? Well I won’t spoil the surprise. I’m sure the Cardinal would love to tell you about them some time. Anyway, all this to say…please come visit me when you have the opportunity, sì? Ah, that reminds me,” he gets up and walks through an adjacent doorway to what you assume is the dining room. When he returns, he’s bearing a bouquet of vibrant pink dahlias in a glass vase.

“Oh!” you say, setting down your wine glass as Primo places the flowers on the table in front of you.

“For you, cara. To welcome you.”

You’re squeezing the meat of your thigh as hard as you can under the table to keep from crying but the tears well up in your eyes all the same.

“Thank you,” you whisper, and he reaches out to take your hand into his long, wizened one.

“Cazzo, are you making her cry, you old fuck?” Terzo grouses.

“Terzo!” Copia says with a sharpness you’ve never heard from him before. You’re not sure if it’s the wine but you’re definitely picking up on some tense vibes between the two of them.

“Uh, need help with dinner, Secondo?” you ask, trying to cut the awkwardness.

“Most of it is already finished but you are welcome to assist with the antipasti. Forgive the lack of aperitivo but someone forgot to pick up olives today.”

Secondo glares across the room at Copia, who turns beet red.

“That’s okay, I don’t like olives anyway,” you say cheerily. Primo groans.

“Ugh! Philistine!” Secondo snaps, making a sharp gesture, “Get over here and atone for your sins before I kick you out of my kitchen, piccolina.”

Now your face is red.

“Yes, Papa,” you murmur obediently as you rise from the table, missing the way the four men look at each other with raised eyebrows.

“Va bene,” Secondo says gruffly as you approach the island, leaning over to pour more wine in your glass, “Do you know how to toast bread?”

You give him a look.

“I think I can handle toast,” you scoff, setting down your glass. “Are we making bruschetta?” 

He favors you with a nod and a half-smile. A point in your favor.

“Here is the olive oil,” he says, gesturing to his left, “here is the balsamic. I have already diced the tomatoes and here,” he turns and opens the large refrigerator, coming back with a healthy amount of burrata, “is the cheese. Think you got it?”

“I…think so? Wait, do you have a grill for me to use or…”

He hands you a square metal pan with holes perforated in it.

“You’ve used a brustolina before?”

No, you have not used a brustolina before.

“How hard can it be? Don’t worry about me, please go sit down.”

He gives you one last sideway glance before snagging his wine glass off the table and joining his brothers. 

Ten minutes later, Terzo is standing on the breakfast table waving a rag in front of the aggressively beeping smoke detector as Copia looks as mortified as you feel.

“It’s alright, fiore mio,” Primo soothes as you sniffle, staring at the charred remains of what used to be several slices of sourdough bread.

“It’s toast. I cannot believe I actually fucked up toast.”

Copia scurries to your side and Primo steps away to make room. When your head thunks heavy against his shoulder he wraps an arm around you, making soothing noises. 

You don’t see Terzo thrusting violently into the air with a wide grin on his face, still standing on the table but you do see Secondo yank him down when he lets out an undignified squawk. The noise has you choking out a laugh, and you turn to Copia to see him staring down at you with a painfully soft expression.

“It’s nothing, piccolina,” Secondo says, unhanding his brother, “We didn’t need bruschetta anyway. Prometto. The real star is coming soon. Please–” he picks up your wine glass and gives you yet another generous pour, “--go take a seat. Enjoy the company of the Cardinal, and Primo, and my other idiot brother.”

You nod, accepting your glass.

“Sorry,” you murmur, and you feel Copia’s hand rub warm circles on the small of your back. You’d be willing to burn all the toast in the abbey if this is what you got out of it.

“It’s nothing, signorina, truly,” he says quietly in your ear, leading you back over to the table. Secondo efficiently dumps the cremated bread into the garbage and puts an apron over his head which reads “Osculari Coquum.” 

By the time Secondo tells the four of you to take your seats in the dining room you are…pleasantly tipsy and incredibly hungry. The smells coming from the kitchen are so decadent, you can feel yourself salivating. 

“Here we are,” Secondo says, entering the room with a loaded plate, which he places in front of you, “Pollo alla cacciatora con riso.”

You have to sit on your hands to keep from rudely digging in before the others have been delivered their meals but as soon as Secondo sits down, you’re ready to strike. Before you can, Primo speaks up.

“I would like to toast our lovely new friend. To your health and happiness. May you find a home here amongst us. Benvenuta nostra sorella. Ave Sathanas.”

Sorella. The word sounds familiar, as if you’ve heard it in the abbey halls before. It makes a warmth bloom in your chest that you’re certain cannot be attributed solely to the wine.

“Grazie mille,” you murmur with a smile. “Thank you all for having me this evening, I appreciate it more than you know.”

Copia’s hand, resting next to yours on the table, twitches and ever-so-slightly his gloved pinkie finger brushes against yours. You look at him out of the corner of your eye but he’s staring diligently down at his plate, mustache twitching as he fights to smile. The sight makes your heart thud in your chest. It’s as if the two of you are in your own little world, oblivious to everyone else despite the fact that neither of you openly acknowledge the other. It’s a breathtaking feeling and you wish you could put your finger on what is so special about this peculiar man.

“Bella, if you don’t eat that I’m going to eat it for you.”

Terzo is staring at you from across the table, mouth full of chicken cacciatore. The whole room, in fact, is staring at you.

“Shit! Right! Sorry I was…I don’t know where I was. Hmm.”

The four men once again exchange a look as you politely dig into your chicken and rice. It’s divine, as you knew it would be. The conversation flows wonderfully, the Papas all eagerly explaining the Ghost project to you.

“So you are all part of the same band?”

“We each had our terms,” Primo explains, “I was the first, Secondo was second, and now Terzo is the third.”

Your brow furrows as you mouth their names and something clicks.

“I’m sorry, you’re all brothers and you’re named first, second, and third? Who does that to their kids?”

Copia snorts into his glass at your candidness.

“Our idiot father, that’s who,” Primo says, and you’re shocked at his venomous tone, “You’ve met Papa Nihil, have you not?”

Oh. You’ve met Papa Nihil alright.

“Ah…yes. Yes, we’ve met. I don’t think he cares much for me.”

Terzo laughs.

“We all have that in common, bella mia! Consider it a badge of honor.”

You don’t quite know what to say to that and an uncomfortable silence falls on the room.

“So,” Secondo begins, “you must listen to each of our albums and tell us which one you like best, sì?”

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m qualified to properly judge that sort of thing–”

“We insist,” Terzo says imperiously, “I want nothing less than an album ranking and your overall top five songs. Cardinal, see to it that she gets educated.”

“I don’t see how this is my area of expertise,” Copia says sullenly, stabbing at what remains of his chicken. “It’s not my band.”

Hmm. Another frisson of tension.

Interesting.

“If everyone is done with their meal, shall we move back into the kitchen for dessert? Piccolina, how do you feel about gelato?”

Your cheeks redden at the moan that escapes your mouth. Copia coughs sharply at your side, having turned red himself.

“What’s your favorite flavor, bella mia?” Terzo asks, rising from the table as you do.

“Stracciatella, definitely, but I will never say no to chocolate.”

“Ah! A woman after my own heart! Copia do you hear this? She likes stracciatella.”

The Cardinal remains seated, nodding distractedly. As you exit the room you see Primo move closer to him and put a hand on his back, leaning in to speak quietly.

—

“Oh topolino…she’s just as lovely as you said. Kind, smart, beautiful. Burns bruschetta but eh, no one is perfect.” Primo smiles as Copia looks up at him in earnest.

“Papa…I really like her.”

It’s the first time he’s voiced his feelings out loud and he can feel the flush on his cheeks creeping down his chest.

“I know, ragazzo mio. And you know what? I think she really likes you too.”

Copia’s heart skips a beat.

“Really? You think so? I-I want to do something nice for her, something she deserves but I’m not sure–”

“Spend time with her,” Primo says, smiling, “She is very lonely. Continue to be the friend you have been thus far - that’s what she deserves.”

“I don’t want to be a nuisance,” Copia murmurs, “Surely she’ll tire of me or–”

“Surely nothing of the sort,” Primo says firmly. “If she cares for you as I suspect she does, she will welcome you into her heart. All parts of you, not just the best ones. You’ll see, topolino. Prometto.”

“Grazie,” Copia whispers as Primo places a kiss on his forehead.

“Hey you two what flavor–oh, I’m sorry, I’m interrupting something.”

You move to exit the room but Copia stands abruptly.

“No, please. Stay.”

You smile. If only he knew now how you’d take that request to heart.

[punkitt-is-here]

How can I cultivate the same, "just keeping making stuff all the time" kind of energy you have? It's very impressive and something I wish I could do!

well, theres a couple reasons i think! one is that i just found ways to be satisfied with small amounts of work. its in part because of my ADHD, but my parents were always trying new things (motorcycles, leatherwork, acrylic paint, collage art, photography, video editing) so that definitely rubbed off on me; i had a great example of people just wanting to try stuff. i keep making stuff all the time because i love trying out new things; you don't have to be an expert to try something new! you just have to have a desire for it! wanna make a zine? google it! wanna write a comic? give it a shot! wanna get into woodworking? buy a carving knife and find a stick or something! i think theres plenty of ways to find entry points into interesting stuff and you gotta let yourself be okay with making shit that sucks just because its fun. which leads me to my second point!!

im okay with being dogshit at stuff! i try new things, i kind of suck at them, and i think it's either 1. cool that i made it this far or 2. kinda funny that this is what its like at the moment. i know that sucking is never permanent, everything can be improved with time, and rarely does anyone ever magically get good at something first try. i think of myself as a talented artist, but its over the course of 2+ decades of drawing; im always improving, and no matter what im going to find things i want to get better at, so why fault myself now for not being perfect? a couple of months ago i really wanted to try woodcarving, so i made spoon with my dad. did it turn out great? not really! you cant even use it as a spoon! but im glad i tried it, it was fun, i had a great time with my dad, and now i know a little bit more going in next time. the idea that you have to be perfect or make tangible progress every single time you try something new is a recipe for burnout. i promise you, it doesnt matter if something doesn't come out like God's Gift to Humanity! Did you have fun? did you learn something? are you satisfied in some small part? good!

(pictured: tha spoon)

last, im just really easy to please myself! I'll make a doodle or implement an idle animation in my game or color a piece and go "wow! thats so cool i did that :)" and it really is just a matter of realizing that its fucking COOL to create stuff, no matter how small! whatever you made didn't exist before you, especially in your own unique way, and now it does! doesn't that rule?! i'm obsessed with it! even if its just a stick figure, its a stick figure you made, and it wasn't there before. thats fucking awesome!!! art is so cool!!!! i think that being happy with small goals and victories is a great way of trying out new things and showing off cool stuff u made, no matter what skill level. :) this turned into a whole big thing, but i hope this helps! tl;dr is try things if they seem fun, be okay with not being good at them, and find stuff about it that makes you happy or satisfied!

[b4mpyre-k1zz3s]

Dating the Jackass Guys HC’s!

Steve-O X Fem!Reader, Johnny Knoxville X Fem!Reader, Ryan Dunn X Fem!Reader, Chris Pontius X Fem!Reader, Bam Margera X Fem!Reader

Warnings: Suggestive content, drug use, alcohol, injury, car sex, tending to wounds, make outs, kissing, sex on a beach, public sex, unsafe driving, posessiveness, unwanted flirting

An: I wanted to write some head cannons based off of what kinds of dates the Jackass guys would take their girlfriends on (and all the ways that could go wrong)! Bam’s part was inspired by these headcannons by @1800miserablethot I love his work please go check him out!! Thank you for reading and please keep sending requests!

Steve-O

Assuming you were his asshole landlord, your boyfriend didn’t seem too happy when he threw open the door, clad only in his boxers, “What?!”

See, even though Steve planned to go out with you a week ago, he still wasn’t up by the time you got at his place, leaving you to pound on his door for what felt like an eternity to try and get his lazy ass out of bed

“Oh shit…” Shocked awake, Steve’s face fell after you, very unamused, reminded him that yes, you did have a date today. “Yeah, yeah- come on in!”

You knew that this was par for the course for him when you started dating him. What you weren’t aware of, however, was the state his apartment was in-

So much filth covered every surface that you started mentally repeating, “Don’t touch anything, don’t touch anything…” to yourself like a mantra

Despite the way your skin itched, there was something endearing about watching your boyfriend crack open a beer at noon, which he quickly drained, before pulling on a pair of jeans he had lying around.

“So, where’re we heading?” Given the fact Steve didn’t own a car, your options were kind of limited

The two of you ended up heading to the park and grabbing some hot dogs from a cart before plopping down on the grass together.

Even if he wasn’t half broke, he was never one for grand dates, and you could admire how genuine that was

Instead of wowing you with fancy dinners and sports cars, he preferred his dates to be about having a nice time with his lady.

Something not many people would know about Steve is that animals love him.

Out of nowhere, your boyfriend was practically knocked off his feet by an overexcited golden retriever who jumped on him and covered his face in slobbery kisses

It was heartwarming really, the way he laughed and smiled in that sweet, boyish way while giving the dog some good skritches!

Ah, you always knew men being good with animals was a green flag…

When it’s owner ran over and apologized for her dog getting off the leash, he told her it was totally cool

“But if it isn’t a problem, you don’t happen to have a tennis ball on you, do you?”

She did- as did the many other dog owners, who were as impressed as you were at Steve’s impromptu juggling act he put on in the park

Okay, maybe he was trying to impress you a little. But showing off you clown skills isn’t the same as driving around in some hot shit Lamborghini, okay?

As the sun started going down, and Steve walked you to your car, he asked if you’d be interested in coming up to his place, maybe smoke a little- who knows…

But thinking back to the piles of empty beer cans and the questionable stains on the carpet, you politely declined, “Uh…Maybe next time?”

You made another mental note to lay down some blankets down in your trunk before you saw him next.

Johnny

“Howdy, ma’am!” Standing at your door to pick you up for your date to the rodeo was Knoxville, who tipped his cowboy hat at you while you giggled at his little country getup,

What with the boots and those tights jeans that made his ass looks great- not to mention that obnoxious pink shirt that let you know it was your boyfriend under all that

“Are you really wearing that?”

“Well, yes i am,” Taking your hand, he drawled in an exaggerated accent as he led you to the car before opening the door for you, “and I do think we should be gettin’ a move on…”

You had no clue there were even rodeos in LA before Johnny took you there, but there you were, sitting with these great seats

And there’s nothing more your boyfriend loved than seeing that look of wonder on your face as you ogled at the real deal bull riders, not like the kinda stuff he does on Jackass. Which, speaking of…

“Excuse me, ma’am- I gotta go hit the little boy’s room.”

However, Knoxville was not squeezing past your knees to go to the little boy’s room.

Unbeknownst to you, he actually was a friend of the man who owned the stadium and had a little surprise planned for you

Not five minutes later, after they corralled the bull to set up for the next rider, guess who you see walk out into the ring? That fucking pink shirt…

“Johnny- Johnny! Don’t-“ and there he went, ploughed clean over much to the joy of the crowd and your anguish

Not assured at all by the thumbs up he gave you as he staggered to his feet, you couldn’t help but wince a little when you saw your boyfriend limp back to his seat.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” With a crooked grin, Knoxville waved a dismissive hand at you, “Yeah, I’ll be fine- just a little bruised…” Still, he didn’t dissuade your worries,

Turns out he was more than just a little bruised, as you would find out when things started getting a little hot and heavy on the drive back and Johnny had to pull over to a dark, secluded area just off the beaten path

Moving to straddle his lap, you felt him groan against your lips as you reached down to undo his belt, “mmm…ow- fuck!”

So, glancing down at the swollen, purple mess of bruise tissue on his legs, you decided to take a rain check.

Instead of ending the night getting laid in your boyfriend’s ‘69 Challenger, you spent the night at his place, holding ice to his sore thighs while he cracked jokes to make you laugh despite the situation.

If that ain’t love, then you don’t know what love is…

Ryan

When Ryan told you that over the phone that, “If you want, you could just come hang out at Castle Bam.” you thought that would mean swimming in the backyard pool and going out for dinner at Antonio’s,

But he meant it very literally, because there you were, sitting next to your boyfriend on the couch, watching TV.

I mean, you were happy to be hanging out with him, but is this his idea of a date?

“Is this all we’re going to do?” “Yeah.”

It was Dunn’s greatest power and his worst fault- he was horribly, aggressively chill

There you sat for hours, so comfortable with each other that you didn’t feel the need to make small talk, watching The Simple Life, or Nick and Jessica, or whatever dreck MTV away airing that afternoon

Later, Ry went to the kitchen to grab a few more beers, which certainly were aiding in his aforementioned chillness, when you called out to him,

“You know, I really had this image in my mind- maybe you’d take me out for food or some drinks tonight? Maybe a little courtship here?”

Plopping down next to you, Dunn passed you a bag of chips he got for you from the kitchen before handing you one of the two bottles from the side table with a faux bow, “Milady?”

Smirking, you took it from him, because you could never be mad at him for too long

But as the afternoon wore on, with the rest of the guys out filming something, your boyfriend eventually passed out drunk on the couch

“Yeah, this is how I wanna spend my Saturday…” Grumbling to yourself, you snatched the remote and absentmindedly flicked through channels for a while before you got bored

So, wriggling in next to your boyfriend’s warm, unconscious body, you laid your head against Ryan’s chest and listened to his heartbeat as you drifted off to sleep.

God, if there was a better way to wake up than to him gently playing with your hair and looking down at you with that sweet, lovesick look in his eyes, you didn’t wanna know

Mind you, he was still drunk given the fact he was only out for a couple hours,

And whenever you were within arm’s reach, Dunn got sappy drunk,

“You’re still here?”

Of course you were still there, but once he got like this, it was to your benefit to let him get it out of his system.

Tilting your chin up, Ryan planted a sweet kiss to your forehead, murmuring, “God- I am so lucky to have a girlfriend like you…”

Chris

When you broke it to Pontius that you had no clue how to surf, he dedicated a chunk of your beach date to teaching you, “It’s pretty simple- you’ll pick up on it in no time!”

Well, that’s not all he told you- he also said you looked hot in your bikini, but that’s not as important

“It’s easier if you practice this kinda stuff on land…” Your boyfriend dragged his board to lay down on the sand, waving you over, “Hop on!”

And, very close behind you, Chris stood guiding you on how to shift you weight and when to stand up with his hands on whatever part of your body made it easiest to explain to you

You’re not going to lie- you did pull the, “Is this how you do it?” card a few times more than was needed just for an excuse to feel his wide palms on your body for a little while longer.

But time came for you to actually do the thing he was teaching you, you totally wiped out!

(To nobody’s surprise)

Still, Pontius was the painfully kind guy you fell in love with, swimming out to wherever you fell and scooping you up Baywatch style before encouraging you to give it another shot

“You know,” glancing at him up and down- looking all suave and perfect with way the salt water glistened on his tan skin and curled his hair, “I think I’d rather watch you…”

What kind of guy would say no when their girl asks to watch them while they do something they’re awesome at?

With your ass in the sand, you spent hours oggling Chris from afar and cheering him on

Until the sun began sinking beyond the horizon and you decided to hit up the bar for drinks and something to eat.

Later that evening, once most of the tourists have cleared off of the beaches of LA, the two of you snuck back

“This place is beautiful at night- you gotta check it out Y/N!”

Visiting the beach to see it turned into building a bonfire, and there’s something so rugged and masculine about watching your boyfriend lug 50lb pieces of driftwood without breaking a sweat.

And with that visual in your mind, there’s only a few places the evening can go…

First with the arm around your shoulder holding you close, because it gets cold there at night, then a little kissing because hell, kissing always feels nice,

Which then proceeded to straight up beach sex. The fantasy kind of beach sex, where sand doesn’t get anywhere and there no seagulls or wayward cops patrolling the shore.

That night, still naked, you fell asleep in eachother’s arms by the smoldering remains of your fire, enjoying the warmth you shared.

Bam

“So I was thinking maybe we could ride four wheelers, chill out and play some pool, go for a drive in the Lambo, hit up the bar tonight- anything else you wanna do?”

The house was empty for one day, and your boyfriend just wanted to do the same shit he does with his dumb little buddies every other time they’re over?

Most of the time, your dates were more about him having fun than treating you to some sweet, romantic shit, but you had to admit that a part of you kind of contributed to the chaos

Once you got bored with jumping cars and doing tricks on the ATVs and headed inside, guess who came knocking on the door?

Dico, who your boyfriend totally forgot he made plans to work on the film edit with

But Bam had no qualms about shutting the door in his face,

“Yeah, yeah- I’m workin’ on it!”

Listening for him to walk away, your boyfriend turned to you with a smirk, “So, how’s that ride sound?”

The thing about living in the backwoods of Pennsylvania is that you can drive pretty much as fast and as recklessly as you want, and there’s no cops around to give you a ticket

Bam knew this and used it to his every advantage. He paid for the whole speedometer, why the hell shouldn’t he use it?

Especially when he had his girl in the car, who looked so cute when he made her nervous…

You ended up at Rex’s, and you were practically hyperventilating by the time you stumbled out of the Lambo,

“I could really use a beer right now…”

And as soon as you walked through door, there goes Mr. Friendly, paling arround with everyone in the bar and leaving you to drink alone. What a man…

But if there was something you loved about Bam, it was that he shows up when it counts,

Like when he caught that creep hitting on you out of the corner of his eye.

Never have you seen your boyfriend whip around so fast, planting his fist in the asshole’s jaw hard enough to throw him against the bar top

Wrapping a possessive arm around your waist and tugging you close, he spat at the guy, “Yeah- flirt with my girl again, fucker…”

You got back to the castle late, everything serene and dark as you laid snuggled up in Bam’s tousled sheets,

Which very quickly evolved into lazily making out, all slow and soft and romantic

(Because your boyfriend didn’t jump to screwing at every chance you got- credit to his immaturity)

And that’s how you fell asleep, with him nuzzling his face into your hair and nodding off

[blackenedsnow]

HIIII i think request are open anyway uhhh may i request postal dudes with a prawn star (cannot spell the correct way because tumblr with MASSACRE me) partner please:33 (doesn’t have to be nsfw if want, i just have a self insert that is,, yeah and there’s NOTHING anywhere) have a good day :33

the dude's with a p0rnstar! s/o ; headcanons

WARNING: None

PAIRING: Postal (1) Dude x Reader, Postal (2) Dude x Reader, Postal (3) Dude x Reader, Postal (4) Dude x Reader, Postal (BD) Dude x Reader, Postal (Movie) Dude x Reader

NOTE: Have an amazing day, and thank you for stopping by with this gem of a request! Take care of yourself <333

P1 DUDE

When he first finds out about your profession, he’s suspicious.

He doesn’t trust anyone, and the thought of others looking at you like that makes him spiral a bit.

Despite his paranoia, he doesn’t shame you for it.

Deep down, he respects that you’re doing your thing and earning a living in a way he probably never could.

Obsessive? Oh, absolutely.

He watches your work like a hawk, not for enjoyment but to monitor comments, interactions, and anything that might seem like a “threat.”

He becomes weirdly protective of you in public.

If someone even hints at recognizing you, he gets very tense.

You’ll have to remind him to relax before he scares someone off.

That said, he adores you in his own unhinged way.

Sometimes he’ll talk about running off to some remote cabin with you where “no one can find us.”

It’s endearing in a slightly alarming way.

P2 DUDE

His reaction?

A shrug... and a smirk.

“Well, I guess somebody’s gotta do it, right?”

He’s supportive but snarky as hell.

Expect constant things like, “So, when’s my big debut?”

He’s surprisingly laid-back about your profession.

In his mind, people are gonna do what they want, so why stress?

Pretty much just brags about dating you.

“Yeah, my partner? You’ve probably seen their work. Pretty hot, right?” Cue his smug grin.

If anyone gives you trouble, though, he flips like a switch.

He’s not above shoving someone into a trash can if they step out of line.

He loves you for who you are, but definitely also for what you do, and makes sure you know that.

P3 DUDE

At first, he teases you endlessly.

“Wow, dating a star? I must be living the dream, huh?”

He makes everything into a joke.

If you’re filming, he’s in the background making faces or trying to photobomb just to mess with you.

Secretly, though, he’s impressed.

He thinks it’s cool that you’ve got this level of confidence and independence.

He’ll egg people on if they recognize you in public, just to see their reactions, but if anyone crosses a line, he’s quick to shut it down.

“Babe, what do I gotta do to get a cameo? I could totally pull off the clueless plumber trope.”

As much as he jokes, he respects you deeply and has your back no matter what.

P4 DUDE

Honestly? He’s a little shocked at first.

“Wait, you do what for a living?”

But he’s completely supportive.

He LOVES your job. More than you.

He’s so sweet and genuine that you can’t help but love him for it.

If anyone says anything negative about you, he’s baffled.

“What’s their problem? You’re just doing your thing!”

Will shoot them down after and throw dog shit at their house

He brings you little gifts after your shoots—flowers, snacks, or random knickknacks he thought you’d like.

"Figured you might need a pick-me-up after a long day!”

BD DUDE

FUCK YEAH

Anyway , that said, he’s got a dry sense of humor about it.

“Guess I should’ve been one too. Maybe I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit.”

He’s deeply protective in a subtle way.

He won’t make a scene, but if anyone disrespects you, they’ll regret it.

He knows how to handle himself without making a fuss.

“You’re tougher than most people I know. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Despite his rough edges, he’s incredibly loyal and makes sure you know you’re loved.

MOVIE DUDE

His initial reaction is pure excitement.

He’s surprisingly wholesome about it.

He supports you completely and is thrilled to see you doing what you love.

That said, he has his shady moments.

If someone tries to mess with you, he’s way too good at finding out things about them.

“Oh, they don’t like you? Funny, I found their Facebook… wanna see their embarrassing prom photos?”

He’s oddly charming in public.

If someone recognizes you, he turns it into a lighthearted conversation, but... it does have some darkness behind it.

But! Behind closed doors, he’s your biggest cheerleader!

“You’re amazing, you know that? Like, seriously, how did I get so lucky?”

[froggerland]

For the cold boys ask please tell me how you feel about Ned Little ❤️❤️❤️ Thank You!

THANK YOU FOR ASKING!!!

I am so normal about him you can't imagine how normal I am about that man.

Anyways:

First Impression: I think almost everyone has the same experience with this one: when you first watch the show you don't really register him for the first five episodes or so and then you either love him or are very much neutral about him. I vaguely remember the scene where he's standing next to Jopson looking like a kicked dog while Crozier yells at him and I think that's when I took note of him like "ohh poor boy let me give you a hug :(" I really fell for him in the second half of the season (first mainly bc hes pretty. Im a simple woman sometimes and im not afraid to admit it) and I cannot stress this enough how much the last scene where Crozier finds him half frozen with the chains on his face has altered my brain chemistry. That was the fr the point where I was like "okay so I'll never be normal again EVER huh"

Impression Now: I love him. I love him so so much on so many layers. For one I need him biblically bc I believe I can fix his ass and his sad energy and big cow eyes have bewitched me body and soul. Matthew McNulty was born to sport mutton chops and look increasingly disheveled while on a death march in the canadian arctic. But I can't put into words how much I relate to him. I am him, he is me. Genuinely if I was put on that stupid expedition in his place I would've made all the same (bad) decisions. I can literally name two other characters in media I relate to and those are Kat from Euphoria (only the first season version and I think if I watched the show now I would throw her off this list) and Connel from Normal People (him just,, big time). They just don't make characters that messy, pathetic and sad very often!! Or I'm not watching enough tv to find them but when I saw Ned throughout the season I was like "wow I relate to him so much and idk what that says about me". I feel like I went on a tangent there but I love him he is such a dear. He tried so so hard to do right and keep things under control bc he hates chaos but he was just so overwhelmed and had to deal with Croziers shit for way too long (I'm trying to sound smart rn bc people have very nuanced but sometimes also kinda weird takes on his character. Believe me I see him as more than sad wet puppy man but I don't have the words in the english language to express that)

Favorite Moment: Any scene he's in ever? Duh?? No but if I had to pick one I'd say the dundy intervention when he finally tries to put a foot down to rescue Crozier but they all just dismiss him. The way his eyes water. I. Mmh. I think I'm obligated to name his last scene as well bc that one makes me cry everytime even if I just see a gif of it, it's just so haunting and so so sad

Idea For A Story: Oh. Uhmmmmm. I'm really not a writer so I can't come up with anything cool on top of my head except let Ned be happy and comfy and warm. Tuck him into bed and give him soup. That's all

Unpopular Opinion: I can't really tell what's an unpopular opinion bc I've seen basically every take ever on him from "he is a pushover how did he even get his job" to "he's actually a meanie with big time anger issues" so. Maybe that I think he would've been a good lieutenant with a different captain on a more chill cruise. He'd do very well keeping order and the respect of the crew if he didn't have to be the doormat and errands boy for his alcoholic captain while starving in the arctic. I'd dare say 99.9% of life on a ship was more chill than the franklin expedition so maybe he wasn't the best lieutenant ever but he would've done a good job if the stakes weren't THAT high

Favorite Relationship: Started as a Joplittle stan, became a Sojoplittle truther and now my favorite is Solittle. I love my two dog boys, I love how they parallel each other (they were narrative foils your honor). But honestly anything goes, everyone deserves a bite out of nedward <3

Favorite Headcanon: That animals love him. Saw that on my feed a few days ago and yeah, agreed. He's definitely a cat person and they just flock towards him (extended hc that jirv loves animals so so much but they just hate him for some reason. So when the ships cat sneaks in during meetings jirv tries to get her to come towards him but the cat's like "ew no church boy" and jumps into Ned's lap who pets her but also prays he won't get yelled at by Crozier for this)

[amakumos]

CUPID’S CORNER — ten ; bob, the cat

because he’s a little shit, nishimura riki sends a totally embarrassing confession about you to “cupid’s corner”, a twitter account that posts anonymous confessions from decelis academy students. but when that joke confession suddenly makes a bunch of people confess to you on cupid’s corner (for real this time!) riki finds that he’s jealous — and oh… he can’t believe it took him a fake confession to realise that he’s crazily in love with you.

Riki is indeed waiting for you outside your chemistry classroom.

Your best friend looks at you with a bright grin. “Come on, let’s go!”

“Riki, I have after-school practice,” you say, as he drags you along with him. Riki shakes his head. “You only have after-school practice on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It’s a Thursday.”

You didn’t know that Riki knew your schedule.

But, going to a cat cafe wouldn’t be the worst — you’re making sure that Riki’s going to pay. It was his idea anyways, so he might as well pay for it. “Fine.” you say.

You can’t really say no to Riki anyways.

“Have you found out who the volleyball anon is?” you ask Riki, as you two make your way to the cat cafe. You don’t notice how Riki clenches his jaw a little at the mention of your anonymous secret admirer — he’s jealous.

“No,” Riki replies.

“Damn,” you say. “What do you think about it, though? The whole… confessions thing.”

After Taki had helped him realise that Riki’s actually jealous because he’s in love with you, Riki can’t give an unbiased opinion about your secret admirer.

“I think my confession inspired them,” Riki jokes. It’s the only thing he can say without making things awkward between you two. You scoff, nudging him with your elbow. “Sure it did, ‘Ki.”

“You know nothing tops my confession,” he teases you, and you roll your eyes. “Yeah. It made me really emotional,” you joke. “I’m so happy that you still love me even though I crapped my pants in 5th grade P.E. Where can I find a man like you?”

Gosh, he knows you’re joking, and your tone is laced with sarcasm — but why does it make Riki’s heart skip a beat?

Taki’s told him that Riki’s been keeping his feelings for you inside for a very long time. So long, that even Riki himself didn’t realise it until he started getting jealous. Riki doesn’t know when he started liking you, he just knew somewhere down the line… feelings that were purely platonic turned into something a little bit more.

And yes, he’s terribly jealous because of that secret admirer of yours, but he reminds himself that the secret admirer doesn’t spend as much time with you compared to Riki himself. Jokes on you, volleyball anon, he thinks.

The cat cafe isn’t far from Decelis, so you and Riki get there relatively quickly. He holds the door open for you, waiting for you to enter before he does. “Wow, what a gentleman.” you joke.

“Yeah, I’m trying to impress you.” he replies.

Words that Riki would usually say to you without much thinking now seem like playful flirting. Was this always how he communicated with you?

“Oh, really?”

Riki tries to stay composed. Don’t blush, don’t look nervous. It’s just you.

“Yeah. Is it working?”

He takes a small glance at you to see your reaction to his words. Personally, Riki thinks that he’s really good at reading you — but now he doesn’t know what that smile on your lips means.

“I don’t know. You tell me,” you reply, as you walk up to the counter, Riki trailing behind you. “You’re paying, by the way, since this was your idea.”

“Okay,” he hums, fishing his wallet out of his pocket. “Entry for two?” the girl at the counter says, and Riki nods.

“Yup. Just head on in, grab a seat.” she says. Riki turns to look at you, and he notices that you’re distracted by the cute cat that seems to be looking right at you. “Oh, before I forget. Is there anything you’d like to drink?”

“She’ll have an iced latte… I’ll grab a iced americano, thanks.” Riki says to her, giving the girl the money, which she puts in the register. “Your drinks will be ready soon.”

“Riki! This one’s so cute,” you say, beckoning him over. Riki thanks the girl at the counter before heading over to you, and you look at him with a bright smile. “Look,” you say, motioning to the cat that you’ve been looking at for the past few minutes.

“It is really cute.”

The cat seems to like you too, and you smile as you play with the cat. Riki’s heart does a flip at the sight of your smile. He likes it when you’re happy.

“You should name the cat,” he suggests. “I’ll name it… Bob.” you say, and Riki raises an eyebrow. “You’re naming the cat Bob?”

“It’s a cute name!” you say, and Riki stifles a giggle. “This cat isn’t a Bob. It’s more like a… Jamie.”

“It’s totally a Bob, Riki.”

“It’s not.”

“It likes me more than you, so I’m going to call it Bob.” you say, as you pet the cat. Riki chuckles, shaking his head. “Whatever you say, I guess.”

“Are you talking about this cat? His name is Truffles.” the girl says, returning with your drinks. She hands you the iced latte, and hands Riki the iced americano.

“Truffles. Mmm… Bob suits him better.” you hum as she leaves. “Truffles is a good one, (Name).” Riki tells you, petting another cat that has curled up next to him.

“Let’s see what Bob says, then. Bob, do you like the name Bob?” you ask the cat, and the cat doesn’t seem to show any dislike towards the name — you see that as a yes.

“He likes it.”

“He just looked at you. That doesn’t count as a yes, (Name).” Riki says to you, picking up the cat and placing it in his lap.

“Cute.” you say, seeing Riki gently pet the cat. “Thanks. I know,” Riki says, as you roll your eyes. “The cat, Riki.”

“Oh, so you don’t think I’m cute?”

You’re not quite sure how to respond to that. Riki takes your silence as an answer, and he looks at you with a cheeky grin.

“So you do. It’s okay, (Name). You don’t have to be embarrassed about being right.”

You playfully roll your eyes, nudging Riki with your elbow. “I didn’t agree.”

“You didn’t say anything, so I’m taking it as a yes.”

Little does Riki know that your silence was indeed an answer, and it’s the one that he’s secretly hoping for.

ten － bob, the cat! previous ☆ next ♡ masterlist

author's note. me when i want what they have. whos going to tell me that theyre trying to impress me. kms .

CUPID'S CORNER! a riki smau. genre: smau, crack, fluff, idol au pairing: non-idol! riki x non-idol! reader warnings: swearing, ignore timestamps taglist is CLOSED!

[musings-of-miss-j]

i’m almost afraid to ask if you’d played the new archon quest yet, and if you have, how do you feel about hoyo’s decisions in it? if you haven’t, feel free to ignore this so that you don’t get any spoilers!

heyyy yeah i have lolololol <- (laugh of mild rage)

5.3 AQ SPOILERS AHEAD. i ended up talking a lot so there's your fair warning haha

okay so. i'd already resigned myself to not caring about most of the characters for a while now, because it seemed to me that hoyo was directing the focus more to the storyline. Which, fine, not every arc has to be character-driven, plus the rather extensive list of 'main characters' in natlan made it hard to really connect with any of them. on that note, why did they perma-bench kinich ?? can we not do waifu impact rn. i dont care about male characters but this is too much even for me

i wasn't bothered by the prospect of a plot-driven aq, like at all. i'd say i was even excited, but both 5.1 and 5.2 failed to wow me, so my the time 5.3 rolled around i was kinda dgaf about the whole thing lmaooo and for some reason i was wholly convinced that it wouldn't be the 'finale'???? not sure what gave me that impression but either way i entered with the conviction that there would be a sense of continuity beyond 5.3 and the end felt so abrupt to me.

and now the aq itself. um. first of all i was completely unimpressed with how trivial they made our ancient name seem. like all that fanfare over how difficult it would be and the was completely wasted, there was virtually no bump in the road and not even a cool cutscene of xilonen forging it???? that at least would've made it feel less like 'a wizard did it' if you get my meaning. ALSO. wasn't there a little thing where they said forging an ancient name for an outlander would cost the life of the forger???????? did they forget orrrr?? and the scene with the 'lost souls' lacked any substance in my opinion

okay fine. moving on, we have a farewell-feast kind of situation. i feel like that had the potential to be really emotional, but it felt like a pre-celebration rather than the last goodbye i would've preferred it to be. the whole thing had the atmosphere of a house party to me, no gravity whatsoever, i was expecting to see characters doubting our return and essential bidding us farewell for the last time but the excessive levity just made it all feel too chill for the situation at hand. the entire version i feel like they didn't do a fantastic job of really establishing and proving the high stakes. and the part where we suddenly leave for the dream ritual with ororon was laughable, absolutely goofy. bleh. it would've been cool if it was really somber with people mourning us before we departed, because to me it felt unrealistic that everyone was so optimistic about our chances of defeating something that may as well have been a force of nature to them.

arriving at the night kingdom, i loved seeing the characters we previously helped lend us a hand from beyond the grave. seeing bona specifically made me very excited!! aside from that, i was mostly unmoved. the cutscenes were well animated, but it suffered from the classic 'genshin keeps blurring out shit in the dialogue so i have no idea what any of these lore bombs' significance is and therefore i literally do not give a damn' problem. the part where they revealed what our friends said about us was funny because i was confused about whether they were talking about the traveler or mavuika lmaooo. the fight was cool. didn't like the repetitive 'traveler and mavuika lift the claymore after each speech' thing at all, broke immersion for me. and the fact that the whole thing seemed totally effortless was so disappointing. all that buildup, the prospect of battling an immovable force that plagued the land for centuries should've felt daunting and we should've at least struggled???? im not even bothered by the 'power of friendship' trope, it's more the fact that we didn't even break a sweat at any point???????

the traveler and paimon hug was so nice, as a certified paimon hypeman it made me smile very wide. the celebration seemed to have bothered a lot of people, but i personally thought it had a lot of potential much like the feast. they could've shown us traveler struggling to stay upright from the journey, visibly injured yet willing to play hero for a nation of people who've been resigned to death for so long. like a 'i can barely stay on my feet but nurturing this new-born hope is more important than my exhaustion' type beat, once i tend to enjoy in books. instead it again had high-school dance party energy to me.

then citlali drags us aside and the cheerful atmosphere slips away. i liked the sudden jerk back to reality that the reminder of mavuika's imminent death brought, actually, the sudden mood shift was fitting imo; 'we can hardly believe we survived let alone won so hearing it's not over feels more plausible than the thought that victory could've been ours' is a banger to me. then ronova and mavuika. ronova looked so cool, big fan (columbina it should've been you) and then the captain.

listen. his story was amazing, i can't lie. it was an awesome motivation. my complaint is that it could've been any khanreain (im too lazy to check the proper spelling leave me be) soldier. his motivation was somehow totally unaffected by his status as the first harbinger. his entire connection to the fatui might as well have not existed. and also. i wish they foreshadowed this somehow. i know he was covered in death flags from the start, but i could never have guessed he was trying to exact revenge for a curse in any way. i concede this may be a skill issue on my part, but his story is so compelling i would've much preferred it to be paced throughout rather than crammed into a five minute cutscene. i can imagine capitano mains are totally losing their shit right now and i dont blame them. the whole paradox idea and using the curse against the heavenly principles was very well thought out but how did no one object to him taking mavuika's place? like im just saying we didn't even hear a cursory 'no this isn't your sacrifice to make'. the decisive and rather sudden (imo) end was like a slap to the face lol it felt so abrupt.

so uh yeah. i wasn't impressed overall. how do you go from the peak that is fontaine to whatever this is. fontaine had an incredible plot, compelling characters and an epic twist to boot and this feels like none of that. also can i complain for a sec about whatever the hell they did to citlali. she was my favourite character by a mile in the teaser and i was so hype to pull for her and then they fucking made her whatever she is now????? where are the mystical shaman vibes hoyo. where are the terribly intimidating voicelines. where is it all. she's feared and respected in her tribe why is she hugging a plushie to her chest like that in the splash art what have you done to my girl. i was expecting mona vibes from her animations but noooooo fanservice instead. kiss my ass. AND THEN. MAVUIKA IS THE NTH PYRO ONFIELDER. i've been so mad about this since the beta bro. are you fucking with me. AND PYRO TRAVELER. HAS LIKE. 0.5 SECONDS OF OFF FIELD PYRO. i will implode. i will do something frowned upon in six continents.

i've pulled only for xilonen and nahida since the start of the fifth version and it looks like it'll stay that way unless skirk is really cool. man.

[missveryvery]

Have you watched episode 1 of tgcf season two yet? 👀

Are you kidding. It's literally the only thing that's keeping me alive. Now my life is "hold out until Wednesday, buddy, we can do this."

I'm not sure but I think they fixed up the animation from the preview we got before (like a million years ago) of the scene where they're all assembling because I remember thinking "oh no they lost their budget" and now the scene looks like "here are a hundred gods we made look incredible just for the background"

(Still salty about Mu Qing's hair getting nerfed, make it bigger you cowards)

The part where Pei Ming is about to kick Pei Xiu came off as cartoony in the book but they made it really intense here! I guess because they're trying to hide his clown nose for as long as possible.

I feel very gratified that I was correct that the person we saw for a split second in the preview FROM BEHIND was in fact sqx and my brain worms have again served me well.

I think if I was watching this and had no idea what the story was, I'd think sqx was another love interest because holy shit. The way they shot Shi Qingxuan after transformation where her hair falls and her eyes are locked on him is from Xie Lian's POV, right? Three people have "hair that falls prettily" scenes in this and it's Hua Cheng, Xie Lian, and Shi Qingxuan.

Gif set by @murcielaguitos

They're really going "she's BEAUTIFUL" and you can get the impression that even Xie Lian thinks so. I love the way Shi Qingxuan is looking at him here and her cute smile ; ; like "see? :)"

This is the first time I realized how massive her boobs are. They're INSANE. I really like how Shi Qingxuan's other form is so different! I like to think the trans color scheme is on purpose but idk if they care about flag stuff in China? I don't want to like, push that on them.

In the book, there are a couple people Xie Lian remarks as being attractive, I think Shi Qingxuan is the only lady?

Also the shot earlier of Shi Qingxuan glancing at Xie Lian's chest like ":) I could put some ginormous bazoons there for you, friend"

(Lmao, He Xuan is so fucking stupid 😭 what kind of idiot...?!?? This could have been yours, you absolute clown.)

I was surprised they kept Lan Chang!!! Like wow you're gonna do that part, huh?!

The presentation of the mission's circumstanses also gave me a theory about why Shi Qingxuan was sent with Xie Lian on this specific mission...!

I saw someone talking about how lonely the opening of Xie Lian waking up seemed. But then he gets such a cute friend...! That's so similar to him! It's so nice to see him happy. I like to think that if Hua Cheng didn't exist and all that other background shit wasn't happening, Xie Lian's third go around might have been nice, Shi Qingxuan could have gotten him settled in, reconciled with the clown boys, etc.

The way he looks at Lang Qianqiu ;0;!! he's like "My baby ;0;"

Also losing my mind over this rando. I need to see what the uniforms for each god looks like or I'll die. Why was this dude so well designed and animated ;0;! I love him?!? So exasperated with his dumbass god ;0;

[demi-rxndxm-stxff]

Some DigitalTime Incorrect Quotes

Colin: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt. Tony: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

Tony: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized. Colin: steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely Tony: That one. I want that one.

Tony: BE A BETTER PERSON! Colin: WHY?! Tony: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART! (Only added this one cause it was too damn funny)

Colin: We both look very handsome tonight. Tony: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you." Colin: I couldn't take that chance.

Tony: Okay, I’m going to get the wedding cake. Colin: Perfect, while you do that I’ll check on the ring bear. Tony: … Tony: You mean ring bearER, right? Colin: … Tony: Look me in the eyes and tell me you are not going to bring a dangerous wild animal to our wedding.

Colin: Two bros! Colin: Chillin' in a hot tub! Colin: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!

Colin: Hey, about that love letter you sent me- Tony: blushes What are your thoughts? Colin: The fourth sentence- Tony: Yeah, that’s where I got really emotional and I- Colin: It’s “you’re” not “your”.

Colin: I don't need to go to bed. I'm not tired, I'll be fine. Tony: But, darling, I'll be so lonely without you. Come curl up in my arms so I can feel whole again. Colin: O-oh. Well. Are you trying to seduce me into healthy sleeping patterns?? Tony: Is it working?

Tony: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night? Colin: It was autocorrect. Tony: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."? Colin: Yes.

Tony: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response. Colin: Wow. They sound stupid. Tony: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense. Colin: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!” Tony: I guess you’re right. Hey Colin, I love you. Colin: See! Just say that! Tony: Holy fucking shit. Colin: If that flies over their head then, sorry Tony, but they're too dumb for you. Tony: Colin.

Colin: Okay, but if your not gay then why are you always holding my hand and kissing me and telling me I’m your boyfriend? Tony: Colin- Its satire! Colin: THAT'S NOT WHAT SATIRE MEANS!

Tony: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you… Colin: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

Tony: You have to apologize to them Colin. Colin: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!

Colin: Tony and I are no longer dating. Tony: Colin, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

Tony: I’m in love with you. Colin: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, dork. Tony: I know. Colin: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

Colin: I'm trash. Tony: As someone who's environmentally conscious, it's my duty to pick you up. Does 7 work for you? Colin: Colin: You smooth motherfucker. Colin: And yes it does.

Colin: Relationships should be 50/50. Tony cooks us dinner while I sit on the kitchen counter looking pretty.

Tony: Are we fighting or flirting? Colin: I'm pinning you against a wall with my hand around your neck- Tony: Your point?

Colin: So you like cats? Tony: Yeah. Colin: tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table

Colin: seductively takes off glasses Colin: Wow… Tony: blushes Haha… what? Colin: You're really fucking blurry.

Tony: I think I just figured something out. I got to go. Colin: Aren't you forgetting something? Tony: Uuh…hesitantly kisses Colin's forehead before running out. Colin: No, pay your bill! Damn, who raised you?

Colin: The stars are so beautiful… Tony: They're just giant balls of gas. Colin: You know what, if you're just going to ruin this, then- Tony: And yet none of them are as huge as my love for you. Colin: Oh…

Colin: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives. Tony: I wake up at 4:30 AM every day to train. Colin: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

[vryivs]

brother yanqing you could have simply said when she started counting instead of deciding to emulate your father's flair for the dramatic

i know im too old because i keep stressing out about yunli stepping on broken glass or debris. i joke but damn. that really is my daughter

oh man im so annoyed at the expy claims. her ass is NOT lin zhaoyu. you dont even want her to be lin zhaoyu. so many reasons why. [brief detour to discuss expys in hsr]

i feel like a lot of the people making the claim are doing so because theyre more used to how expys look in genshin and just googled ma feima, saw he had a wife, and decided yunli must be her expy because they're vaguely similar looking

but every expy so far has shared a name (at least in part) with their hi3 counterpart (natasha = raven/natasha ciaora, seele = seele vollerei, bronya rand = bronya zaychik, cocolia rand = cocolia, himeko = murata himeko, acheron/raiden bosenmori mei = raiden mei, kafka = kafka/loner of prague, luocha = otto apocalypse/luocha/raksasha, marshal hua = fu hua, sushang = li sushang, yanqing = ma feima/yanqing)

in genshin most of the expys have different names, but hsr has been fairly consistent in keeping the names mostly the same with one exception (silver wolf, who potentially, like welt, also is just a hi3 character)

lin zhaoyu was NOT a nice lady

she's yanqing's groomer. she was already a grown adult when fu hua adopted him, and became obsessed with competing with su mei (a teenager) for his love. its heavily implied she coerced him into marriage

yunli doesnt even look that similar to her!!! they both have dark hair and amber eyes, but yunli's is blue, while zhaoyu's is black. lin zhaoyu is taller and like, explicitly aged (her vn sprite has wrinkles!) while yunli is shorter and younger than yanqing

(tbh, for that reason of age its also difficult to say 100% that yanqing and ma feima are expys. yanqing has more superficial similarities than yunli does, but my nonserious conspiracy is that he's actually the kid of this universe's feima

anyway detour over. this theory just really gets on my nerves, especially seeing it from people who ship yunqing

god this game is so stupid. every time there's meant to be a huge crowd and they have maybe a handful of npcs as set dressing. its so funny. this wardance is a FLOP

you would think this explains the lack of crowd but it just makes it funnier. jing yuan had five soldiers and a dream

this is so cute omg. yanqing <3

kinda mad this patch bulldozered all over yunli's personality. i miss when she was a rude little shit. where is my daughter and what have you done with her and WHY is she talking like a smaller melee yukong

march is their get-along-disciple i love these three

SHES SO SEXY HHGJDSGH

wow okay. rude

UGHHH its so annoying that theyve flip flopped on whether feixiao was a kid or an adult when she escaped the borisin. literally in the previous patch they depicted her as a grown ass adult. she would not be a child or a young girl when fighting under yueyu

CLEVER MAN!!!!! I LOVE HIM

MANIFESTING YANQING PATH SWITCH SOON??!??!?! omg. the jingliu parallels. how crazy it must be for jing yuan to accidentally rear someone so similar to his own master. i hope we get a destruction or nihility yanqing at some point. i wonder if they'd allow him to keep the same element or if he'd have to switch to a different one as well

i think its really interesting how jing yuan seems to have his impression of yanqing frozen at the heliobus incident without realising how much that fundamentally changed him (and how training march also impacted him). idk it feels very realistic for a parent to not notice how their child is growing until they already have.

meanwhile it seems like feixiao sees him for exactly who he is now

im really happy they let yanqing shine this patch. he finally got a textual win. maybe people can stop shitting on him now

"when i was just a child" [picture of someone at least in their mid-late teens]

a cunt-off

[gay4harm]

Pick a side

Paring: Shuri x Riri x Reader

Warning: None really except implied smut, makeout session, reader in a theater nerd, I think das it

A/N: Soo I know I'm supposed to be working on Who is she? but this was just stuck in my head and I had to get the idea out. This will have multiple parts to it. Lmk if you guys want more of it. (This is kinda proofread)

Shuri and Riri were known for being very competitive. They'd see who could finish certain projects first or silly things like seeing who could finish eating first, but most of all they loved seeing who could get the girl first.

Who could fuck her before the other but in the end it always ended with both of them fucking some random and them leaving right after.

This whole thing was Shuri's idea, after losing her family she had developed a few bad habits, she'd drink, party and sleep with women, the ones who would be willing to hookup with no strings attached.

Riri saw this and although she was a bit worried she knew Shuri was a big girl and even when Riri said anything shuri would just shut it down, so the only thing Riri could do was try and be there just in case something happened.

So this is how they got in this predicament, one of their friends telling them everythig he knew about you which was. "Yeah nah thats Y/N, she bad as hell ain't she?"

Riri and shuri nodded as they observed you with your tight black dress on, hair pulled back in a ponytail showing off your black smokey eye makeup and glossed, plump, dark red colored lips, shuri wandered what they would feel like wrapped around her strap and Riri noticed how familiar you looked, like she had met you from before.

Their friend spoke up again. "I tried to get with her last semester but she was playing all hard to get and shii"

"did you ever get with her?" Riri asked. "Nah she real stuck up, acting like she better than everyone."

That's just what Shuri wanted; someone she could breakdown, a real challenge.

"How much you want to bet I could hit that?" Riri looked at Shuri offended as she let a soft scoff fall from her lips. "Nigga you couldn't bag a bitch as bad as her"

"Oh you think I can't?"

"Nigga I know you can't"

"Oh well that sounds like a challenge, two weeks, who ever sleeps with her first wins. Deal?" Shuri stuck her hand out ready to make the deal as Riri hesitantly took Shuri's hand firmly and shook it. "Deal"

Just as Riri let go of shuri's hand she got up and walked over to you who was leaning on a kitchen counter with a cup in hand.

"Hey how you doing pretty?"

"Oh hi" Riri was surprised at your voice; small, southern with a bit of sultriness to it, she would have never expected you to sound as you did. Your resting bitch face gave off the impression that your voice would sound smokey, low and honestly she thought you would be a bit bitchy, as in you would try and dismiss her for coming up to you. She didn't expect you to sound sweet like honey or for when she came over your eyes lit up as if you had been waiting for this moment.

"Oh wow, I'm sorry I just- I didn't expect you to sound like that" You giggle slightly at her words before responding. "Its fine, you would be surprised at how much people say that"

"Uh, I'm Riri, it's nice to meet you" Riri stuck her hand out and you took it, a bit taken aback at how her hands had a slight roughness to them while yours were soft and well moisturized. "I know who you are Riri." Riri furrowed her eyebrows confused at how you knew her, maybe it was just from around school. You noticed her confusion and gave her the same look with your head tilted, did she really not remember you? "We live across from each other.... we're in the same study group" You could tell when the realization hit Riri, what looked like disappointment flashed across her face. "Shit I'm sorry, I knew you looked familiar, I just forgot where"

"Its fine, I've been told I have a very forgettable face." Riri didn't laugh at first and instead looked apologetic but you were just joking of course. You knew Riri had a busy life, not only did she barely come to the study group you guys were in, you two hadn't crossed paths that many time and if you did it was a quick glance and small smile that usually occurred, never going as far as talking.

"Its ok you can laugh, its supposed to be funny" Riri's face was wiped of any uncertainty and instead you two shared the same sheepish chuckle not being able to look each other in the eye.

Its not that it was awkward or anything

you didn't know what it was, well you knew what it was for you. You were a bit nervous, you've had the biggest crush on Riri and honestly you were horrible at flirting, especially when you were put on the spot like this. If it was someone else than you would have been a bit more confident but this was Riri. Someone you were completely head over for. The whole party scene wasn't something you were used to nor was the dress and makeup, it was all a product of your friend Kourtney who had basically dragged you here, at first you were a bit upset but now you were glad you came.

"So uh... you wanna dance?" You looked up from your cup a bit surprised at Riri's question but before you could answer she grabbed your hand and led you to the center of the room where other sweaty bodies were grinding on each other to fast pace songs, that was until a slower song began to play. (play the song bookie)

As the song started you look around to see people grinding on each other in sinful ways, slow dancing or for the people who didn't have anyone to dance with they sat and watch waiting for the next fast paced song to play. Riri began to slowly sway to the music as you stood awkwardly, her hand snaked around your waist pulling you close, you tensed up in response not used to something like this

Riri noticed how uncomfortable you seemed and leaned into your ear, her warm breath making you shiver. "I don't bite, you know" You lean in to hear her better. "I said I don't bite, not unless you want me to" You smile softly at her as she turns you so now your back is pressed against her front with your ass on her crotch.

Never been scared to get wet

No umbrella, you can rain all night

Ooh, woah, woah

And go 'head and drench me with your body

By the time you're finished, baby, I'll be Covered in you, ooh, yeah, yeah

Covered in you

Ooh, you know when we're through

'Cause I'll be covered in you

You begin to move slightly on Riri, unsure of what you were doing

This wasn't exactly your scene.

You were use to singing and dancing during rehearsals, in between work and classes not partying, it wasn't how you were. Being good looking attracted people but you never really gave them the time of day especially when you could tell they only wanted one thing. So you didn't know why you were here, grinding on Riri Williams to a Chris Brown song but you were and it was the best thing ever.

You began to move more fluently with Riri's hands on your hips guiding you.

You know I won't stop 'til I feel it overflowin'

Tell me, tell me, baby, would you mind

If I just jump right in and take the dive? ('Cause I)

Never been scared to get wet

No umbrella, you can rain all night

Ooh, woah, woah (Woah)

And go 'head and drench me with your body

By the time you're finished, baby, I'll be Covered in you, ooh, yeah, yeah

Covered in you

Ooh, you know when we're through

'Cause I'll be covered in you

I ain't runnin'

Keep it comin'

'Til I'm covered, baby

Covered in you

You know when we're through Until I'm covered in you

You had fully went loose, slowly grinding and swaying to the music with Riri behind you, kissing on your neck setting off a fire in you, her lips on you felt so good, so right, like they were made for you.

"You wanna go upstairs ma?" You thought about her question at first, not sure if you should go but then you thought about the way she felt and her lips and their softness, you thought about how much you liked having her hands on you and how you needed them everywhere.

So your reply was obvious as you turned to face her. "I would love to"

She takes your hand, moving through the sea of bodies, as you guys go up the stairs and in one of the unoccupied rooms she sits you down on the edge of the bed with her on the other side of you. No words are passed between the two of you until Riri speaks up. "You ok? You seem a little nervous." You look up at her knowing that she was right, you were nervous. Once again this wasn't something you were used to, you had only ever been with one other person and they were the reason why you were the way you were, shy and reserved, and to some people boring and stuck up.

"Yeah I'm cool just a little nervous"

"There ain't nothing to be nervous about, I'm not gonna hurt you, just wanna make you feel good." Riri grabs your chin making you look at her. She pulls you closer until your lips are just barely touching, not wanting to wait anymore you capture your lips on hers.

They were just as you expected, soft, supple and honestly to you it appeared that she might have more than enough experience with this.

At first it started off with sweet small pecks that turned into something heated, Riri let go enough to bit your bottom lip making your mouth go ajar, she took the opportunity to slid her tongue in your mouth.

She gets a hold of your jaw making you tilt your head up to deepen the kiss, the taste of her cherry lip balm swarmed in your mouth making its way into your mind savoring the flavor, her flavor, her scent, the way her hand traveled up and down your body until it stopped to take hold of your breast with one gentle squeeze.

She was so addicting, everything else was wiped from your mind except the feeling of Riri, you wondered if you went through her mind just as she did with yours.

So when Riri pulled away you were confused, that was until you realized someone had been knocking on the door. She yelled out hoping the mystery person would leave.

"Yo its occupied." She turned back to you to resume your little makeout session but before she could a few more knocks and a voice cut it off. "It me Riri, we gotta go, some business to take care of." Riri got up clearly annoyed, she swung the door open coming face to face with Shuri who had a sly smirk on her face.

"Can't you go handle it yourself, I'm kinda in the middle of something." They both look back at you as you spoke up. "No I mean it's fine, you should go take care of your business, I should get going anyway my friends probably wondering where I went."

You got up heading toward the door but just as your about to walk out Riri grabs your arm. "Before you go let me get cha number, you know so we can finish what we started." She pulls her phone out so you can put your number in and you take it ready to do so. After you left, pushing pass Shuri and into the crowd.

"What the fuck, why would you do that?"

Shuri looks at Riri amused

"Do what?"

You see Kourtney walking up to her, she looks relieved as she grabs you by your shoulders. "God where have you been? I've been looking all over for you." You didn't reply. What would you have said, 'I was upstairs with Riri Williams about to sleep with her until Shuri Udaka, the queen on wakanda decided to interrupt'

There was to much to explain and you were not in the right mind set to explain it. "Can we just go? I don't want to be here anymore" Kourtney looked confused as you pulled her towards the door. "But what-"

"I'll explain later" You both get in the car, driving off to your apartment.

You had lived in a apartment with two of your best friends, Gina and Kourtney. They were your best friends since high school along with Ashlyn of course. You all had decided to go to MIT together which was the best decision ever made. You were here with your three best friends and it made you feel at home, they were like your sisters.

As you got back to your shared apartment, there sat Gina and Ashlyn waiting on the both of you. "Hey, how was the party?" Gina asked from the couch. "Hey, yeah it was cool" You replied as you walked into your bedroom. "Um are we gonna forget about earlier? You forgot to tell me what happened" Kourtney shouted out.

"I didn't forget I'm just- you know... coming down from it"

"Wait coming back from what? What happened?" Ashlyn asked confused just as everyone else. You walk out, now in sweatpants and a tank top. As you do you blurt out. "I almost had sex with Riri Williams"

Everyone turns to stared at you, stunned by your words.

"You did what?"

"It just kind of happened, we didn't get that far"

"Well what stopped you?" Kourtney scooted closer to you, waiting for an answer. "Someone was knocking on the door and it turned out to be Shuri Udaka as in Wakandan royalty."

"Wait you said Shuri Udaka as in like the queen on Wakanda?" You shake your head at Gina's question. "Girl did you not know their dating?" Your eyes widen and your mouth parts to show your shock

"Are you serious!?" Many things were swarming through your head.

Why would Riri try and cheat on Shuri with you at the same party Shuri was at?

Why was Shuri so calm when Riri opens the door and why didn't she say anything?

Was she planning on getting back at both you and Riri later?

Or did she just not care?

Was this a part of some type of game or prank?

Did Riri actually like you?

"Look I doubt anything's going to happen, right?" You look up at Ashlyn as you could tell her voice was laced with false hope. You gave her a weak smile, got up, said your goodbyes and walked back to your room hoping to forget everything that happened.

You woke up, had forgotten about the events that occured last night. Instead you got out of bed, ate breakfast and just as you were about to get ready for the day someone knocked on the door.

Gina was the first to answer it while you began to pick out your outfit for the day.

You began to notice that you hadn't heard the door close but you had heard it open, so you walk out to see it anything had happened.

You had imagined that maybe it was the RA or an old friend so you walk out not expecting much.

But as to what was happening at the front door, it was actually something a lot different.

"Is Y/N here?"

"Um no... no she is not"

"Well do you know when she'll be home or at least where she'll be?"

Just as Gina was about to answer, you walked in

"Gigi who's at the door?" You stop in your tracks to see Shuri, sporting a black tracksuit with her signature black shades. You'd be lying if you said she didn't look good.

Both Gina and Shuri look at you and as they do the events of last night are flooded back in your mind.

"Y/N, do you mind if I talk to you?"

"Uhh yeah of course come in."

Shuri steps pass Gina as she closes the door. Gina walks back to her room hoping to forget all this happened.

As soon as she leaves you speak up. "Ok look if your here to like kill me or something then you should know I didn't even know you and Riri were in a relationship. If I did then I would have never-"

"You think I came here to hurt you for kissing my girlfriend?" Pure confusion was laced over Shuri's face. "Well I mean I would, or at least I'd be pretty upset, but you don't seem upset at all actually."

"Well that is because I'm not." Now instead of Shuri being confused you were.

"Ok so your not mad?"

"Not at all, in fact I'd love it if you were to join me at a party next week"

"Um I'm actually not very fond of parties"

"Well maybe we could grab a drink... at my place"

"You want to hang out at your place?" Shuri gives you a simple shake of her head. You think about it at first and there's only one clear answer.

"That sounds lovely Shuri but I'm gonna have to decline."

Shuri was filled with shock at your decline, this hadn't ever really happened before. Of course there were people who would say no for the fun of it but with you it seemed like you were completely uninterested.

"Ok well are you sure?"

"Positive, now if there isn't anything else you'd like to talk to me about then I suggest you leave."

You walk her out, closing the door as you head to get ready for your day.

While you put the final touches on your outfit and finish up your look, your phone goes off.

You look to see a unknown number but as you read the message you find out to see its Riri texting you a simple good morning text followed by 'how'd you sleep?'

You smile with the thought that Riri might have actually been thinking about you.

You text back with a good morning to start off, ending with 'I slept well, hbu?'

after that the two of you talked the whole day even when you two saw each other in a few classes. The day ended too soon and the only thing you could think about as you walked back to your dorm was how you couldn't wait to see her again.

The same thing went through Riri's head, she actually enjoyed talking to you. You weren't like the other brainless girls she normally spoke to.

She knew this would have to end soon but did it really?

A/N: She's finally done girly pop

It's actually crazy because I have so many other fics I need to finish and start but I had to feed the Shuriri x reader girlie cause I myself am one.

Anywayssss I hope you guys enjoyed this and please remember that I love when you guys tell me how you feel about it so please do.

[gravehags]

desinare - the natalie edit

Pairing: Cardinal Copia x f!OC (Curator!OC)

Rating: Teen

Tags: awwww look it's a pre-relationship fic just like old times, dinner party, natalie meeting the papas, natalie and copia being awkward little weirdos with baby crushes, papa nihil slander, references to other curator fics

Words: 3,791

Summary: Natalie's very kind cardinal friend has invited her for a meal with three Satanic popes. Surely there's a proverb about this.

a/n: take a shot every time secondo pours more wine in her glass

~~~

“Eh, signorina?”

“Fuck!” Natalie yelps, dropping the stack of folders she was holding in shock. “Shit…sorry Cardinal. How do you move so quietly with all that fabric on?”

“M-many years of practice, heh,” he kicks himself for how stupid he sounds, wringing his hands while she smiles kindly up at him as she stoops to pick up her papers.

“Teach me how some time? I’m always falling over myself. I’d love to have even an ounce of your grace.”

He can feel his ears burn as a dopey grin spreads across his face. She complimented you. Now compliment her back. Go on, say something charming, idiota.

“Dancing!” he half-shouts, making her jump. You fucking fool. “I…I mean I learned how…how to be graceful from dancing. Ballet. In my youth.”

She’s making an impressed face now which is worlds better from the look of terror she previously wore when he barked at her like a senile chihuahua.

“The Cardinal is a dancer?” she murmurs, pale green eyes glittering, “You’ll have to show me sometime.”

“Oh, it’s been years,” he blushes, “This old body doesn’t move the way it used to.”

He swears he sees her eyes flick up and down his form and a tiny smirk lift the corner of her lips.

“I don’t buy that for a second, Cardinal.”

Is she flirting with him? Natalie turns to busy herself with organizing her folders but Copia can see the pink tinge at the tips of her ears.

“Do you like bolognese?” he says, once again loud and blunt. 

“I…what?”

“My…my fratelli and I - the Papas that is - would very much like to meet you. A-and share a meal with you. If you are interested?”

Her mouth forms a little “o”.

“There’s more than one Papa?” she asks, cocking your head. 

“Sì, sì, there is also eh, Papa Emeritus I and Papa Emeritus II, known as Primo and Secondo, respectively. Terzo you already know,” he grumbles, and her lips twitch.

“Three Satanic popes and a Cardinal. Wow…life sure comes at you fast, huh? Never expected this from a job offer.”

“So…is that a yes?”

“No,” she says and Copia’s face falls, “I mean - shit - sorry! A no about the bolognese. I don’t eat red meat. But a definite yes for the dinner, I’d love to meet some more people here! You’re very kind to have invited me.”

“Ah,” he waves his hand dismissively, but a smile still curls his lips, “We don’t get pretty new faces around here very often. It would be our pleasure.”

It doesn’t dawn on him what he said until he sees her lips silently form the damning word and her cheeks light up. Shit, why couldn’t he be normal around her?

“Anyway,” he says, his voice going up a humiliating octave, “Would you be available this week? Friday evening, perhaps?”

“It’s a date. I mean–” she looks as panicked as he feels at her wording, “--a dinner date. W-with your…with the Papas. And yourself. Sorry, where should I meet you? I’m uh, still familiarizing myself with the abbey. This place is huge.”

“Eh, how about I meet you at your office and I’ll lead the way from there, sì?”

“Sì. I mean, yes. Is there a…should I dress a certain way?”

An image is conjured in his mind of her in a pretty cocktail dress, heels lifting her shapely calves and her decolletage on display—

He shakes his head to rid himself of the vision.

“Uh…dress in whatever is most comfortable. Undoubtedly Secondo will put you to work in the kitchen so–”

“Oh good,” Natalie says, “I mean my culinary talents are uh…definitely lacking but I’d be happy to help and keep busy. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop, and all that. Well…something like that anyway, I’m not sure if there’s a Satanic version. Anyway I am definitely blabbering on so feel free to ignore…literally everything that just came out of my mouth.”

She’s embarrassed. As if he couldn’t listen to her talk and talk and talk for eternity. He’s about to tell her something to that effect before his brain yanks him away. Bit much for only knowing her for a month, fool. Instead he gives her a friendly nod, and bows slightly.

“I’ll eh, see you Friday then yes? At 6:00?”

“Sounds perfect. And…thank you. I don’t remember if I said it or not but thank you for making this place feel like home.”

He feels as if his heart is about to burst from his ribcage.

“Signorina,” he murmurs, “It is my honor. Ciao.”

“Ciao, Cardinal,” she says softly as he turns and exits her office. He doesn’t see the way she collapses into her desk chair with a dreamy sigh.

—

She’s going to be late.

As soon as Natalie’s work day ended she hustled up to her apartment and began getting ready but it’s now 5:41 and she still has no idea what the fuck she’s going to wear. Half her wardrobe lies scattered on her bedroom floor (she knows it’s going to make her insane when she returns later that night but fuck she can’t remember what clothes she even owns) as she stands in the center of the room in her underwear.

“Okay. Okay you’re going to meet three Satanic popes,” the sentence has a delirious laugh bubbling out of her throat. “Three Satanic popes and one…sweet…handsome…Cardinal. What is the correct choice.”

She eyes a snug, knee length burgundy velvet cocktail dress to her left. She’s been saving this one for a while - for a real special occasion. She would undoubtedly impress but…nah. Too much. To her right is a pair of mom jeans - she picks them up and gives them a tentative sniff - acceptably clean. Natalie tosses the jeans onto her bed behind her. Okay now for a top. How about…ah! She spies a soft, dark green sweater in a pile and snatches it up. Cozy, comfortable, and practical. Perfect. As for shoes…her well-loved black Chelsea boots should do the trick. She looks down at her watch.

5:48

Shit! Almost tripping more than once she jumps into her jeans and pulls the sweater over her head, tucking it halfway into her waistband. She doesn’t have the time or the patience to put any makeup on beyond a few swipes of mascara and a dark red lipstick and when she makes it out the door with her phone and keys, it’s five to six. She briskly power walks the entire trip to her office and by the time she’s standing outside the door, she’s clutching her side and heaving for breath. She prays to whoever is listening that the Cardinal is a little late so she has a chance to compose herself but before she can even form the thought–

“Natalia?”

Natalie spins on the spot, trying to look as casual as possible.

“Cardinal!” she rasps. “Uh…hi.”

“You look lovely,” he says with an anxious little smile that gives her butterflies, “You’re glowing, Natalia.”

“Thanks, it’s the sweat.”

You ought to be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller.

To her immense relief, he doesn’t look disgusted but instead seems to relax as if her odd faux-pas cuts the tension. Chortling, he gestures for her to follow him with a gloved hand.

“What’s for dinner?” she asks, as the two of them proceed down the hall.

“You’ll have to ask Secondo that, I have no idea what the maestro has planned for us this evening.”

“Sounds ominous,” she smiles .

“Eh, sì. He is.”

Oh God.

“Your week has gone well?” Copia asks, adeptly changing the subject.

“Yes, just you know. Trying to make sense of everything von Shreck left me with. Can’t help but feel his presence looming over me whenever I change something he did. Did you know him well?”

“Not well, no. He was a quiet man, kept to himself. His eh, mind started to go, in the end. Became paranoid.”

“Ah. Explains his cataloging system then. If you can call it that.”

Natalie realizes they’re now in a wing of the abbey she’s never seen before - a long hallway with a dark red rug running the length of it and arched doors. Copia stops at one that is open and gestures inside with a nervous smile.

It’s a kitchen. A very large, very well equipped kitchen with a massive island and high ceilings. There are three men standing inside it - she recognizes one of them and the other two are staring in her direction. The tallest (and from what she can tell, the oldest) has a soft smile on his face. The other is also tall but broad where the older figure was slim, the overhead light glinting off his bald head. Terzo hops down off the counter, swirling a glass of wine and grinning. Natalie’s suddenly aware of four pairs of the same mismatched eyes boring into her.

“Uh. Hi.”

The three Papas are on her like flies on honey in a snap, pulling her into the warmth of the kitchen while Copia removes his black biretta and wrings his gloved hands. With a shaky voice he introduces her to the two she’s unfamiliar with and to Terzo he simply gives a hard stare.

“It’s an honor to meet all of you,” she murmurs, smiling around the room, “Wow, three Satanic popes. I haven’t even met one uh…regular pope. Not to say you aren’t ‘regular’ or ‘normal’, of course. The Satanic versions are so much more interesting.”

There’s a pregnant pause.

“Do you drink?” the bald, mustachioed one - Secondo - asks.

“Please,” Natalie sighs in relief. He gestures her over to the counter.

“What do you know about Italian wines, piccolina?”

Piccolina? She tells herself to look that up whenever she manages to take a bathroom break.

“Uh, not much. That is to say…nothing.”

He smirks. She knows immediately that this man is a heartbreaker.

“I will teach you. This riserva is from the Ministry’s vineyards in Piedmont. Made from Nebbiolo grapes.” He pours her a generous glass which she swirls delicately in her hand before leaning in to sniff.

“Oh! I’m definitely getting…red fruits, perhaps cherries? Something mineral, like the way a damp cave smells. Hold on–”

Natalie takes a sip as Secondo watches her carefully.

“Wow that’s gorgeous,” she gushes, “I didn’t smell the rose element but I definitely taste it. You said the Ministry made this?”

“Sì,” he nods, as he pours more into her glass, “I’m pleased you like it, you have excellent taste.”

“Oh, I really don’t,” she smiles, “You’d cringe if I told you some of the swill I find acceptable. Particularly what I drank in college.”

He laughs loudly.

“What kind of self-respecting American college student drinks wine?”

“One from California, that’s what,” she smirks.

“Secondo stop hogging our guest,” Terzo calls from the other side of the room. “I want to see her pretty face.”

Secondo ushers her over to the small breakfast table where Copia sits with the other two Papas before leaving to fetch several wine glasses.

“Don’t you look bellissima tonight,” Terzo grins, and Natalie blushes as he gives her a very obvious once-over. That smile disappears though when he jerks violently, slamming his knee up under the table.

“Stronzino, that hurt,” he hisses at Copia, who has carefully schooled his face into a neutral expression. 

Huh. Wonder what that was all about.

She’s distracted by Primo softly saying her name and she turns to the older man with a smile.

“Are you enjoying life at the abbey so far?”

Ah. Well about that. She wants to lie - to tell him everything has been smooth sailing but something about the way he looks at her instantly makes her want to be more candid.

“It’s um. It’s been…a lot,” she says, looking down into her wine glass, “The Cardinal is really the only one who speaks to me outside of Sister Imperator. I-I haven’t got out of my apartment much except to go to work. I’m a little self-conscious about exploring, to be honest.”

Primo gives her a gentle smile.

“Do you know where the greenhouses are, fiore mio?”

Fiore mio. Another one for the list.

“I think I know where the gardens are but I’m not sure if they’re nearby–”

“They are,” he says, “Sister Imperator…doesn’t have much use for an old relic like me. I spend my time tending to all that grows here. With some assistance from my ghouls.”

“Ghouls?” she asks, cocking her head.

He smiles.

“Ah, you haven’t met any yet, have you? Well I won’t spoil the surprise. I’m sure the Cardinal would love to tell you about them some time. Anyway, all this to say…please come visit me when you have the opportunity, sì? Ah, that reminds me,” he gets up and walks through an adjacent doorway to what she assumes is the dining room. When he returns, he’s bearing a bouquet of vibrant pink dahlias in a glass vase.

“Oh!” Natalie says, setting down her wine glass as Primo places the flowers on the table in front of her.

“For you, cara. To welcome you.”

She’s squeezing the meat of her thigh as hard as she can under the table to keep from crying but the tears well up in her eyes all the same.

“Thank you,” she whispers, and he reaches out to take her hand into his long, wizened one.

“Cazzo, are you making her cry, you old fuck?” Terzo grouses.

“Terzo!” Copia says with a sharpness she’s never heard from him before. She’s not sure if it’s the wine but she’s definitely picking up on some tense vibes between the two of them.

“Uh, need help with dinner, Secondo?” Natalie asks, trying to cut the awkwardness.

“Most of it is already finished but you are welcome to assist with the antipasti. Forgive the lack of aperitivo but someone forgot to pick up olives today.”

Secondo glares across the room at Copia, who turns beet red.

“That’s okay, I don’t like olives anyway,” she says cheerily. Primo groans.

“Ugh! Philistine!” Secondo snaps, making a sharp gesture, “Get over here and atone for your sins before I kick you out of my kitchen, piccolina.”

Now her face is red.

“Yes, Papa,” she murmurs obediently as she rises from the table, missing the way the four men look at each other with raised eyebrows.

“Va bene,” Secondo says gruffly as she approaches the island, leaning over to pour more wine in her glass, “Do you know how to toast bread?”

Natalie gives him a look.

“I think I can handle toast,” she scoffs, setting down her glass. “Are we making bruschetta?” 

He favors her with a nod and a half-smile. A point in her favor.

“Here is the olive oil,” he says, gesturing to his left, “Here is the balsamic. I have already diced the tomatoes and here–” he turns and opens the large refrigerator, coming back with a healthy amount of burrata, “--is the cheese. Think you got it?”

“I…think so? Wait, do you have a grill for me to use or…”

He hands her a square metal pan with holes perforated in it.

“You’ve used a brustolina before?”

No, she has not used a brustolina before.

“How hard can it be? Don’t worry about me, please go sit down.”

He gives her one last sideway glance before snagging his wine glass off the table and joining his brothers. 

Ten minutes later, Terzo is standing on the breakfast table waving a rag in front of the aggressively beeping smoke detector as Copia looks as mortified as Natalie feels.

“It’s alright, fiore mio,” Primo soothes as she sniffles, staring at the charred remains of what used to be several slices of sourdough bread.

“It’s toast. I cannot believe I actually fucked up toast.”

Copia scurries to her side and Primo steps away to make room. When her head thunks heavy against his shoulder he wraps an arm around her, making soothing noises. 

She doesn’t see Terzo thrusting violently into the air with a wide grin on his face, still standing on the table but she does see Secondo yank him down when he lets out an undignified squawk. The noise has her choking out a laugh, and she turns to Copia to see him staring down at her with a painfully soft expression.

“It’s nothing, piccolina,” Secondo says, unhanding his brother, “We didn’t need bruschetta anyway. Prometto. The real star is coming soon. Please–” he picks up her wine glass and gives her yet another generous pour, “--go take a seat. Enjoy the company of the Cardinal, and Primo, and my other idiot brother.”

She nods, accepting her glass.

“Sorry,” she murmurs, and she feels Copia’s hand rub warm circles on the small of her back. She’d be willing to burn all the toast in the abbey if this is what she got out of it.

“It’s nothing, Natalia, truly,” he says quietly in her ear, leading her back over to the table. Secondo efficiently dumps the cremated bread into the garbage and puts an apron over his head which reads “Osculari Coquum.” 

By the time Secondo tells the four of them to take their seats in the dining room Natalie is…pleasantly tipsy and incredibly hungry. The smells coming from the kitchen are so decadent, she can feel herself salivating. 

“Here we are,” Secondo says, entering the room with a loaded plate, which he places in front of her, “Pollo alla cacciatora con riso.”

She has to sit on her hands to keep from rudely digging in before the others have been delivered their meals but as soon as Secondo sits down, she’s ready to strike. Before she can, Primo speaks up.

“I would like to toast our lovely new friend. To your health and happiness. May you find a home here amongst us. Benvenuta nostra sorella Natalia. Ave Sathanas.”

Sorella. The word sounds familiar, as if she’s heard it in the abbey halls before. It makes a warmth bloom in her chest that she’s certain cannot be attributed solely to the wine.

“Grazie mille,” Natalie murmurs with a smile. “Thank you all for having me this evening, I appreciate it more than you know.”

Copia’s hand, resting next to hers on the table, twitches and ever-so-slightly his gloved pinkie finger brushes against hers. She looks at him out of the corner of her eye but he’s staring diligently down at his plate, mustache twitching as he fights to smile. The sight makes her heart thud in her chest. It’s as if the two of them are in their own little world, oblivious to everyone else despite the fact that neither of them openly acknowledge the other. It’s a breathtaking feeling and Natalie wishes she could put her finger on what is so special about this peculiar man.

“Bella, if you don’t eat that I’m going to eat it for you.”

Terzo is staring at her from across the table, mouth full of chicken cacciatore. The whole room, in fact, is staring at her.

“Shit! Right! Sorry I was…I don’t know where I was. Hmm.”

The four men once again exchange a look as she politely digs into her chicken and rice. It’s divine, as she knew it would be. The conversation flows wonderfully, the Papas all eagerly explaining the Ghost project to her.

“So you are all part of the same band?”

“We each had our terms,” Primo explains, “I was the first, Secondo was second, and now Terzo is the third.”

Natalie’s brow furrows as she mouths their names and something clicks.

“I’m sorry, you’re all brothers and you’re named first, second, and third? Who does that to their kids?”

Copia snorts into his glass at her candidness.

“Our idiot father, that’s who,” Primo says, and she’s shocked at his venomous tone, “You’ve met Papa Nihil, have you not?”

Oh. She’s met Papa Nihil alright.

“Ah…yes. Yes, we’ve met. I don’t think he cares much for me.”

Terzo laughs.

“We all have that in common, bella mia! Consider it a badge of honor.”

Natalie doesn’t quite know what to say to that and an uncomfortable silence falls on the room.

“So,” Secondo begins, “You must listen to each of our albums and tell us which one you like best, sì?”

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m qualified to properly judge that sort of thing–”

“We insist,” Terzo says imperiously, “I want nothing less than an album ranking and your overall top five songs. Cardinal, see to it that she gets educated.”

“I don’t see how this is my area of expertise,” Copia says sullenly, stabbing at what remains of his chicken. “It’s not my band.”

Hmm. Another frisson of tension.

Interesting.

“If everyone is done with their meal, shall we move back into the kitchen for dessert? Piccolina, how do you feel about gelato?”

Natalie’s cheeks redden at the moan that escapes her mouth. Copia coughs sharply at her side, having turned red himself.

“What’s your favorite flavor, bella mia?” Terzo asks, rising from the table as she does.

“Stracciatella, definitely, but I will never say no to chocolate.”

“Ah! A woman after my own heart! Copia do you hear this? She likes stracciatella.”

The Cardinal remains seated, nodding distractedly. As she exits the room she sees Primo move closer to him and put a hand on his back, leaning in to speak quietly.

—

“Oh topolino…she’s just as lovely as you said. Kind, smart, beautiful. Burns bruschetta but eh, no one is perfect.” Primo smiles as Copia looks up at him in earnest.

“Papa…I really like her.”

It’s the first time he’s voiced his feelings out loud and he can feel the flush on his cheeks creeping down his chest.

“I know, ragazzo mio. And you know what? I think she really likes you too.”

Copia’s heart skips a beat.

“Really? You think so? I-I want to do something nice for her, something she deserves but I’m not sure–”

“Spend time with her,” Primo says, smiling, “She is very lonely. Continue to be the friend you have been thus far - that’s what she deserves.”

“I don’t want to be a nuisance,” Copia murmurs, “Surely she’ll tire of me or–”

“Surely nothing of the sort,” Primo says firmly. “If she cares for you as I suspect she does, she will welcome you into her heart. All parts of you, not just the best ones. You’ll see, topolino. Prometto.”

“Grazie,” Copia whispers as Primo places a kiss on his forehead.

“Hey you two what flavor–oh, I’m sorry, I’m interrupting something.”

Natalie moves to exit the room but Copia stands abruptly.

“No, please. Stay.”

She smiles. If only he knew now how she’d take that request to heart.